Normal life is hard for Felicity and Oliver
by quart1146
Summary: Warning story is a repost where I've hard edited the middle of Oliver Queen is Dead. Added details.Oliver and Felicity have driven off leaving Starling City behind. AU story set after S3E23. Involves Oliver's PTSD, some of his scars explained, the couple living REAL LIFE. Warning, I'm dark and there's MAJOR ANGST. The CW owes all rights to Arrow and it's characters. I own my story.
1. Chapter 1

#####OQ#####

Oliver lie chained on his side, shivering, shaking, his very core temperature low enough he ached from the bitter cold as he lie wet in Ra's dungeon.

Ra's had not won but the odds were in his favor, for the man knew his weakness, his Achilles' heel, and had bid his time to use her against him.

First had come the hated words, "Dead, Oliver Queen is dead. He is forgotten. You are Al Sal-Him," screamed in his brain. The hood came and went, light and darkness, sometimes hands choked him until he pasted out.

Cold water woke him if he managed to sleep but the man who'd once been his friend demanded, "Embrace the words. Give her up. If you don't give her up you will die. She is no more. Oliver Queen is dead. Say the words."

"No, damn you, I won't."

"You will. Do you want her to die?"

"NO!"

"She's gone either way. You give her up or the league will KILL her. Someone will slit her throat and leave her to bleed out on the sidewalk."

"I'll kill you."

"You can't kill us all. Listen to me, she'll die if you don't let her go. She is NO MORE. CHOOSE! Her LIFE or her DEATH. CHOOSE NOW!"

He said the damn words as his head pounded and his gut burnt.

"Oliver Queen is dead. He is forgotten. I am Al Sal-Him."

He'd protected her by letting her go.

Jesus, his heart hurt but his mind blanked, knowing he had to do this.

Erasing her, he shut the door in his mind, and she was forgotten, her name and her love lost to him.

He didn't deserve her anyway.

And his heart iced over.

A killing machine emerged as the darkness entered his soul, and he embraced it like the old friend it was.

This was him, the real him.

Al Sal-Him stood alone dressed in midnight black, all but his eyes covered in league armor. He looked in the mirror, his back on fire from the brand that had yet to heal.

Still, the man who loved her, the man buried deep inside, the man called Oliver, wanted her, remembered her name, and he taunted Al Sal-Him, until, the man hidden inside erupted.

"No, I know her name. She loves me, and I love her. My name is OLIVER QUEEN."

He screamed the words in his mind, as he jerked straight up, awake and lost without her, as his stomach plummeted and his throat closed up.

Gasping, fighting the dream, fighting the heart wrenching ache of not knowing her name, and fighting to find reality, his breath coming in hard pants, as his heart pumped like he'd run a seven minute mile.

Felicity muttered in her sleep and moved closer to him, but thankfully she didn't wake up. Slowly, he returned to reality, and lie back down, staying still in the darkness. Moving, he wrapped his large frame around her, holding her loosely to him, while pressing his nose into her bare neck, breathing in her scent. He breathed in through his nose and out through his nose to create a back pressure to draw more oxygen into his blood stream as his brain worked to reason his way away from the terrible nightmare.

He needed NOW as his heart pounded and he reassured himself it was a dream, and he was not THERE. Ra's lay dead at his hand. Felicity laid alive and safe right beside him.

Gasping, he concentrated, slowing his fast heartbeat, his hard breaths, and focused on being here, not there, as he lay quietly so not to awaken her with his nightmare, something he'd done repeatedly since they'd left Starling City.

The dreams, the nightmares, and the loss of control embarrassed him, and he hated waking her up, with his dreams. Their first fight had been after a week of sleeping together. She'd caught him sneaking out of their bed, carrying his pillow, leaving her to sleep alone.

His excuse that he'd bother her with his restless nightmares infuriated her beyond belief. He'd never seen her madder. She'd been livid, and didn't care when he'd explain to her he'd slept more with her in his arms than he had in years.

"Damn you, I don't want to sleep alone anymore. I want to sleep with you."

She'd screamed at him, incredibly furious at him. Even after he'd explained, he knew he scared her at night in his panic, even after he'd told her he was protecting her again, this time from him, she'd exploded.

BOOM, EXPLODED.

Like threw her pillow at his head and yeah, he'd caught it, but she still threw the darn thing.

Yes, his good natured Felicity turned into a roaring dragon. She'd called him selfish among other unkind names for trying to leave her alone again, screamed about her abandonment issues, and warned him to never leave her again. She'd had enough of him leaving her and had been crystal clear about her expectations.

He belonged to HER, and he would sleep with her.

She'd actually screamed at him the words, "Seriously, Oliver, in the words of my mother, I need you to shit or get off the pot. Either you be all in or get all out. MAKE A FRACKING CHOICE!"

And yeah, he'd seen angry Felicity before but nothing like fuming mad Felicity.

She'd made her point loud and clear she knew he had nightmares, and he could stop trying to protect her from the person him was or else. Then she'd kissed him and pushed him hard against the bed and showed him she how much loved him, and he'd slept the rest of the night spent, totally sexed out.

Who knew she did that to him?

But it only took one look from her, a touch or a word and his blood boiled and que the horny teenager in him, raging hard on and all.

WOW and then that would happen again, and he loved when that happened with her.

And if he wanted it to continue to happen, no matter how much he wanted to get up, he'd learnt his lesson. He'd stay put and wait. Dawn would break soon.

Living a normal life was harder than he thought it would be. He thought he knew her, but he found that you don't know a person until you live with them a few weeks.

She liked ketchup and salt on everything and hated sour cream.

How could you hate sour cream?

The only fruit the woman ate had lots of sugar in it, came out of a jar, or was surrounding by ice cream. She preferred her strawberries in jam and on buttered toast. Oh and cherries were good covered in chocolate. And she's never met an apple she liked.

She ate her chili with one layer of salt after the other and refused to eat more than four crackers she ate quickly and never allowed to be soggy. It was a carb and a crisp thing, she'd told him. And when she said it, he'd smiled.

What a quirk?

Yet she possessed the true gift of being able to make him smile. And he'd not spent much time smiling in the last few years.

He teased her about her future high blood pressure problems.

She teased him about how he spaced his food out evenly and the fact he ate in a circle, taking one bite from each thing on his plate, before starting over again.

Okay he liked everything to work out even.

"It's a control thing." She's replied.

He left the lid off the toothpaste, which irritated her, drove her a bit crazy, and she flossed more than any one person could or maybe should.

"Spend some time in braces, and you'll take better care of your teeth." And she'd flashed her beautiful smile at him.

And she drank out of the milk and the juice carton, and he never drank after anyone ever, to which she'd replied, "You won't drink after me, but we swap spit when you kiss me and both of us have done more than kiss on the mouth, think about it, and that's okay?"

He'd choked on his coffee, thinking about all the places his mouth had been on her body.

Speaking of coffee, she lived on coffee for breakfast, and he wanted real food, bacon and eggs and the works, real food.

She and cooking didn't belong in the same kitchen, and she could trash the kitchen in nine point two seconds in an attempt to cook, while she burnt the toast.

Quickly, he'd decided he'd cook if they ate in, which he done every chance he'd had, since he liked cooking her meals. The furnished full kitchen was one of the perks of this cottage they'd rented. He'd cooked almost every night the last week and there was something about creating the food she ate and enjoyed that pleased him deep inside.

He liked showers, and she preferred a bath. However he hoped to sway her soon and talk her into taking a long shower with him.

His dick twitched again but he ignored it.

She liked top 40's, Pop music and rap.

He hated rap with a passion, a real passion, but he loved her with a real passion too, therefore, he accepted her crazy loud, ANNOYING, think I'll run the beach if your listening to that, music.

He had OCD when it came to how he wanted his clothes folded.

"Okay." She'd dropped his clean clothes on the bed with a smirk. "Fold them yourself and they'll be done right. Problem solved."

She given him a thumb's up and walked out of the bedroom.

And he'd watched her ass on her way out laughing.

Alright, he liked things kept neat and she didn't.

She left her clothes on the floor at night and sometimes, not always, picked them up the next morning, and the list of what she did to make him crazy grew every day.

Is that hard to put your glass or plate in the dishwasher and not in the sink?

Or she would leave it where ever she finished with it.

At least she didn't drink her milk in a glass.

Candy bar wrappers belong in the trash right? Not on the table, or the bed stand or coffee table or floor.

She left her tablet and phone chargers plugged in at all times and everyone knew they were electric vampires, who sucked power even when a device wasn't attached.

But she believed in recycling.

Go figure?

Some days he didn't know if he would or could survive being in love with her because she made him bat shit crazy.

However, some parts of living together a somewhat normal life were rewarding.

Unable to sleep, his mind spinning, he propped his head up with his fist and watched her sleep in the pale sunrise, and yes, he admitted, this part of normal had rewards. The dream mainly gone, he lay content and watched her, listened to her breathe slowly in and out with her back to his chest, as they spooned in the bed, and he filed the memory away.

He found it unbelievably strange to lie here and feel happy, incredibly happy, especially as he stared at an unsure future with nothing to do and the constant threat of their relationship not working out.

As a man who normally had a plan, this unsure life with Felicity was a landmine field waiting to blow up in his face. Yet, he foolishly got up every morning and took another step while he waited for everything to blow up.

God, she made him insane, and he made her exceedingly crazy in return, and why would he think he could make this choice to go away with her and all their problems would magically disappear?

What did he think would happen?

They would drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after?

What the hell had he been thinking?

The relationship fresh and new, aimlessly, they'd traveled together down the coast. Wandering freely, escaping into the unknown like his dream, only better because now he never woke up and when he did wake in the morning it was real. They ate when they were hungry and stopped when something of interest popped up, which meant they'd had a lot of sex, since both of them couldn't keep their hands to their self.

Yet, the problems still lurked and damn, how stupid could he be?

He didn't know how to be happy with her or without her. They couldn't talk without him shutting down. Okay, loved her but even if he found he couldn't wipe the silly grin off his face, he wasn't going to share what had happened to him.

His secrets were his alone.

Those thoughts wiped the smile from his face.

How much more time did he have before she left him?

This life was surreal, and he knew didn't deserve her.

And, he and her were absurdly adrift, with no direction and facing the unknown. Not unlike when he'd been adrift in the lifeboat before he arrived at the island. His entire life changed the moment his feet hit the sand on the island, and again the moment he'd gotten in the car with her, only this time for the better since he'd gotten Felicity.

However, it was odd, strange, not to have a direction, a goal or even an enemy to fight against, and he couldn't help he looked over his shoulder, expecting danger to crop up at any moment, still intent that nothing would ever happen to Felicity. He'd brought two EpiPens for her peanut allergy, for goodness sake. And they were safe, since Merlyn led the league, but old habits die hard.

He pushed the thought of Merlyn away knowing he was still lying to her, still keeping things from her. Merlyn being head of the league for one, and he had a feeling he hadn't seen angry until she figured out the deal he'd made for Merlyn's assistance with Ra's included handing the league over. But he'd deal with that later, okay, when she figured it out most likely, and he'd deal with the fallout. God help him.

Her hand moved and cupped his hand, and he smiled knowing Felicity was as lost in this strange world called normal life as he was. Like him, she had no direction, with no computer problems to fix, no code to write and no computers to hack. She and he were adrift in this unknown life now, and she'd taken a huge leap of faith to leave her life and come with him.

Jesus, he loved her for leaving with him, even after all times he'd hurt her by not choosing her, the lack of the trust concerning Ra's, and the countless lies and secrets still between them, but she'd still got in that car and left with him.

And she'd even stayed with him after John called her with the bad news that Palmer had blown the top floors of Palmer Industries up and was missing. They still hadn't found Ray's body or that suit of his.

Fear had gripped him, knowing she'd wanted to go home. He'd even offered to take her home after John's call, but she'd decided they'd wait for more information before they returned to Starling City.

He'd been relieved she hadn't wanted to go back. Not that he'd shared that news with her. Nor had he shared that he wasn't sure he'd ever want to return, and if he did would he ever have the courage to leave again?

He didn't know and didn't want to find out.

But he did know it'd be easy to go back to chasing the bad guys to deal with his still burning rage, and might lose Felicity if he made that choice.

So, no, he never wanted to return.

She sighed in her sleep, and he brushed a small kiss to her hair and inhaled her scent and contentment filled him. No, as strange as normal was, he wanted normal desperately.

She snuggled closer to him, and he hardened. Needing a distraction, he searched his brain for the name of the town they were staying in. They were somewhere on the Texas coast. She'd found them a tiny house to rent right on the gulf, near a small town, where no one knew his name or cared about the league or Starling City.

They'd been in this house over a week, and even though he liked the traveling part of their new life, he was happy to stop for a while and enjoy the strange peace of trying to live together.

Stroking her hair carefully, he wanted to wake her, but he refrained. Instead, he wondered how she could fit next to his body perfectly and feel right. With his large body and her tiny one, the way they fit together amazed him, but damn she completed him for some reason.

He'd spent years looking at her with quick glances and long stares when she wasn't watching, and she'd turned him on to the point of distraction. Rising higher up on his elbow, he looked at her face, staring without guile and it almost made him high as he drank her beauty in.

She said she loved him.

But how could she love him?

He didn't understand. How could she want him since he was unbelievably damaged goods?

Her face marred as she frowned in her sleep, and he wondered if she dreamed of him choosing to trust Merlyn over John and her and deceiving them both. Or maybe she dreamed about him choosing the city instead of her, or him sabotaging Ra's plane.

She frowned again and he knew she must be dreaming about the plane.

They had fought about the plane last night. She'd accused him of not thinking of her and acted like he'd set out to betrayed her since he'd planned to die. How could he not come home to her?

And yes, he'd admitted he'd planned to leave her alone and had given her no choice in the matter and she'd exploded yet again.

His mind rehashed the argument.

"And you were going to blow up with the plane? Frack, Oliver, how could you do that to me?"

"I wasn't doing it to you. I was saving you, trying to destroy the virus. I needed to keep everyone safe."

"That excuse is a cop out. If you'd trusted you team we would have helped you."

"I had to keep the circle small. I . ."

"Never mind. I don't want to hear it. You can't fix the lies, or the fact you planned to die and abandon me. Frack I'd have never known how you died. I would have waited for you." Her voice cracked.

"I just want to protect you, keep you safe. I don't know what you want from me. "

"I WANT YOU TO LIVE YOU FOOL. I WANT YOU TO PROMISE YOU'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN."

And he'd hung his head and looked at his shoes, knowing he couldn't.

She sniffled and she'd hurried away from him, slamming the door behind her.

You're a stupid fool he thought among other things until she thankfully come back, and he apologized yet again.

But nothing had changed and they both knew it.

He was still willing to die if need be, and she wanted him to live, but she'd come back and wrapped her arms around him and made love with him while whispering "I'll give you something to live for," as she took him.

Yeah, wow, the making up part of normal was past awesome, and sex with her made him come harder than he ever had in his life. Yes, making love with her was intense and very fulfilling and his dick was ready to do it any time of the day or night.

His dick twitched again, as he imaged touching her, but again, he didn't reach. No, he'd let her sleep. He'd kept her up very late last night, proving to her how much he loved and wanted her.

So, he could wait a few more hours and leave her be, yet it was hard not to kiss her neck, it was hard not to let his mouth and hands touch where he truly wanted to touch and already he was getting hard again.

And no matter how many times he touched her, it'd never to be enough, since he'd always want more. How had he lived this long without loving her with his body and not only with his mind and his eyes? How long had he imagined being right here, holding her warm body beside him?

Too damn long, and heaven help him, he didn't want to screw this up, even though she was painting him into a corner over her emotions and his. Another major fight loomed in the future. He could see it coming since she refused to give up what had happened during his time with Ra's.

"Come on, try to tell me, Oliver. I'll understand, if you talk to me. But you have to try."

But he didn't quite believe her.

Oh yes, she wanted him to open up, to let her in, to share his thoughts with her, along with his experiences and his memories. But he refused to talk about it, couldn't talk about his dark parts or expose the truth to the light that was her, not yet, not now, and maybe, not ever.

She believed she knew him.

But she didn't know him at all.

Oh, she'd seen a little of the darkness that dwelled inside him. But she didn't know he could be harsh and ruthless, a true killer, and deep down he didn't believe she would stay with him, if she knew the terrible vicious things he'd seen and done in his life. He lived in terror that one day, she'd wake up and see the real him, and she'd hate him for the evil things he'd done, for the men he'd tortured and killed, and for the things even he couldn't forgive or forget.

His own self-hate fed his dreams at times, and in those dreams, he woke up alone in a queen size bed empty and cold. She'd seen the real him, seen the darkness he had buried deep, and left him alone.

These dreams tormented him often, especially after they fought.

But, he couldn't share like she wanted him too. Too many of her questions lately had been about what had happened to him at Nanda Parbat. And no matter how many times she asked, he sidestepped.

He didn't want to talk about Ra's torment to her or anyone.

What good would it do to talk about his time in the dungeon? It was over and he couldn't bring his misery to the light of day and share it with her. The last thing he wanted to talk about was how hard he'd fought Ra's attempts at drugging him, or about Ra's attempts at mind control and how close he'd came to breaking.

He couldn't tell her he'd killed again to satisfy Ra's.

What good would it do to speak of the beatings he'd endured or the constant sword fights and the countless men he'd killed for Ra's sport during practice?

And he'd never speak of how it'd shattered his soul to shut the cell door while he looked in her eyes.

Thinking, what if all of them died today?

He'd loved all of them in that cell that day except Ray and Merlyn, but he'd known that all of them could die, especially her.

And he'd shut that damn door or risk Ra's killing them all and the innocent people in his city.

But how do you tell the woman you love that you'd gambled everything on the hope Malcolm Merlyn had truly inoculated them all, that he hadn't been sure, and he could have been leaving them to die?

He couldn't save them so he shut his mouth and kept his secret and he stayed with her, even though he knew the longer he kept his mouth shut, the worse the fall out would be when she found out the truth.

Yet, he locked down all his pain and darkness and kept the bad things from Felicity, while he wondered what she kept from him.

Jesus he'd built their relationship on quicksand.

The birds began waking up outside, and the sun lit the early dawn. The gulf's waves broke on the sand and strangely, the sound comforted him. He was drawn to the water, hence, they'd stayed on the coastline most of their trip. The island would always be with him, it seemed. Yet, when she'd asked if he wanted to go sailing, something he'd mentioned he'd enjoyed as a boy, he'd fought panic.

No, he wouldn't to go back out on the ocean. The ocean wasn't a thing he could control, and he would never endanger her as he had Sara. NO, the ocean would be too dangerous for them both.

Realizing he clutched his pillow in a death grip, he loosened his arm and relax.

Again, he inhaled her vanilla and some sweet flower shampoo scent, and he lay back down. He concentrated on slowing his heart rate, on breathing in and out.

Yawning, he reached for normal thoughts.

What were they going to do today?

Yes, he remembered, Felicity wanted to go swimming in the gulf. Okay, he could handle that. Together, we can do this strange normal life, and he was almost content as he drifted back to sleep.

#####OA#####


	2. Chapter 2

Felicity awoke slowly, tangled up in Oliver's body. Carefully, she pulled herself free from his warm embrace, somehow without waking him, which was amazing since he hardly slept, and she padded on silent bare feet over to the bathroom. That business taken care of, she picked her clothes up off the floor, threw them in the hamper and dressed in a simple sun dress before walking into the small kitchen to make coffee.

Her phone vibrated and seeing John's name, she smiled and answered the call.

"Hey, John, good morning! Any news on Ray?" She stepped out on the small front porch to watch the waves lap against the sand, while she talked, hoping Oliver would sleep on. Goodness, he needed to sleep. How did he survive on such little sleep?

"Hey, Felicity." John's rich voice washed over her. "No, nothing has changed. Just thought I'd check it see how things were. Are you having fun?"

"Loads." She peeked in the window and made sure Oliver still slept on, then settled in a chair on the porch, and sighed deeply. "I'm going to kill him. Seems like all I do is yell at him."

"Is he fighting back?"

"A little." She sighed again. "Mainly, I yell and he looks at the ground like the answers are written there."

"Sounds like Oliver. Ignore those emotions, shut them off and they'll go away. Then lie to yourself and everyone else."

"Be nice. I know you're mad at him, but he's still not the Oliver we knew before the league. Ra's changed him. Now I swear there's a real darkness lurking below the surface, much worse than before. He's even worse damaged than when I first met him."

"As if that's possible. But he's treating you all right, isn't he?"

"Oh, yes, but he hardly sleeps at all. The nightmares haunt him, and he won't open up to me, won't talk about them, won't talk about what happened when he was with the league. Did you know they branded him? Like he was a cow who belonged to them. Just think what else they did to him he won't talk about."

"He needs time, Felicity. He has PTSD just like a solider coming back from war. And he's never been one to talk about his feelings and his experiences. You knew that when you fell for him."

"Maybe you could call him? Talk to him."

"I don't think so."

"Come on, I know he misses you. He looks sad when he checks his messages. I know he's been texting you. You could answer him."

"I'm still deleting his texts. I'm not ready to talk to him in any shape or form. Not yet. Leave it alone. Worry about your relationship with him not my relationship with him."

"Well if that's what you want to call it. This is hard, John. We're not doing the happy ever after thing here."

"Some things are good though? Right?"

"We can't stay in bed all the time even though that's a thought since that part."

He interrupted her. "Felicity, stop, I don't want to know this. Stop talking right now. TMI for God's sake."

She laughed before adding, "Sorry! Okay, I don't know how, but I guess we'll figure this out."

"Time, you both need time. And for now this is what he has to give you. Just remember he's never slept much. Why do you think he spent all that time on patrol as the Arrow?"

"I remember. But how do I help him when he won't tell me what's bothering him?"

"Everything bothers, Oliver. Believe me. And you're helping him by just being there for him, by staying with him. He doesn't believe you'll stay, and you're going to have to prove to him you're in this for the long haul."

"I know emotions are extremely hard for him, and me, I'm like an emotional buffet. The all you can eat type." Felicity blushed as she remembered Oliver's mouth on her body and added, "Frack, forget I just said that."

He chuckled then replied, "Felicity, for years, I think Oliver survived by not having emotions, and now he's engulfed by them. You need to give him time to deal with living with you, with feeling something besides nothing. But he loves you. I still mad as hell at him, but he deserves to be happy. Both of you deserve to be happy. And I don't think you know how deeply he loves you or what he'd do for you."

"I love him too, but I never thought living together would be this hard. I'm struggling here. He's not a code I can rewrite or a computer I can rebuild."

"Life's a struggle, and I've watched you both struggle over each other for years now. He's wanted you forever and wouldn't reach out for you. I've watched him torture himself watching you. He had a terrible time dealing when you were with Ray."

"He caused that choice. I refuse to feel guilty about it."

"I'm not asking you to. But did you know after your first date with Ray, he destroyed part of the lair?"

"What?" She couldn't help the smile that crept on her face.

"Oh, yes, he did. Roy told me that he admitted he wasn't alright. He wasn't alright because you were with Ray."

"He told me he was fine with my being with Ray, and he wanted me to be happy at your and Lyla's wedding."

"Jesus, Felicity, wake up, he lied. I kept waiting for him to punch Ray out at the reception, but all he did was watch from a distance."

"No way. He did not. He . . ." Her brain churned remembering that yes, every time she had looked his way, he'd looked down during the reception. He'd done his best man duties and done nothing else but watch the crowd.

"He was green with jealously. Only other time I've ever seen Oliver act like that was when Barry first showed up and you showed interest in him."

"Oh, frack. I never knew. I thought he was being his normal protective self. Why are you telling me this now?"

"I've tried to talk to you about Oliver before and you shut me down. But now you two have done it. You've broken free of the city and are living together. It's a big step for both of you."

"No, it's getting to be more like a free falling leap off the Grand Canyon, knowing you're going to crash and burn."

Dig laughed. "I guess you have to be careful what you wish for. You wanted Oliver and you got him. So deal with him. And as to Ra's, be grateful that for the first time he wants to live and be with you, so live with him, be with him. Work through it."

"I know all that but I'm making him crazy. How did you and Lyla manage when you first got together?"

"We fought like demons and divorced."

"That's not helpful. Really not helpful. Not even close. Wrong answer."

"I never said I had all the answers. Hey, you have to keep trying. Look I've got to go, Sara's crying. She's probably wet or hungry. Or both."

"Kiss her for me. And, please think about talking to him. He needs someone he can talk to and most days lately, it isn't me."

"I'll think about it. Bye."

"Stop thinking and start doing."

John hung up on her.

She jumped as the door opened, and Oliver stepped out, bare chested, in a pair of sweat pants, riding low on his hips. Swallowing hard, she pushed down the sexual rush he caused from being near him. "Morning. Hey, were you talking to John?" He looked down at the ground, avoiding her eyes.

"Yeah, he was checking on us."

"Problems?"

"Only ours." He frowned and she added, "Forget I said anything. No everything's fine, except still no news on Ray."

Nodding, he pressed his lips together and looked toward the gulf, watching the waves for an instant, his face unreadable.

Could Oliver be jealous of Ray? She turned the idea over in her head.

"I'm hungry. You?"

He broke into her thoughts as he held out his hand to her, and she placed her hand in his. "No, but the coffee should be ready. I put it on before John called."

He opened the door for her. "Well let me cook us something to eat."

"You know it's incredibly weird you know how to cook."

"I survived for five years by myself. A man has to do what he has to do. Come on you can watch me eat, and I'll watch you drink coffee." And he smiled at her with his goofy grin she loved.

######OQ######

Uncomfortable surrounded by bikinis and swim suits in the small shop on the board walk, he sat waiting for Felicity to finish trying on whatever swim suit she'd finally decided on. He hated shopping and wasn't thrilled to be here.

But when she exited the changing room, in a skimpy, red polka dotted two-piece bikini, his mouth went dryer than the desert. His brain shut down, and he instantly started thinking with his dick. He wanted to cross the room and push her back into the dressing room and take her right then and there. Instead, he clutched the arms of the chair he sat in, as she sauntered toward him, giving his a real show as she put her hair up in a tight pony tail, with a red hair tie.

"Well, Oliver, what do you think?"

She tugged on the bikini top, adjusting it as she eyed herself in the floor length mirror that gave him a fantastic view of both the front and back of her body, and wanted her and now.

Who invented the bikini?

A sadist?

All she needed was a set of her tall heels, and he'd lose with little bit of control was keeping him in this chair. Even with flip flops on, if she wore that bikini uncovered in public, he'd be hard pressed not to beat someone up for looking at her the way he looked at her right now.

Hormones drowning him, he felt fourteen, as he hardened. Thoughts of where he could take her to be alone filled his mind, and he wasn't sure he could even restrain himself until they got back to the cottage.

Damn and sex in daylight in a Porsche equaled probably get arrested in this small of a town.

Jesus, now she worried her bottom lip with those white teeth, before she frowned, and smoothed her hands down her bare belly. The blood had rushed south and he shifted in his seat and adjusted himself.

He was lucky she didn't she know how much he wanted her since she'd use it against him. No, as she angled her head and frowned at the mirror, he knew she didn't have a clue how much she turned him on or how much he loved her.

"Come on Oliver? What do you really think?"

That I can't form words, he thought, knowing he probably looked like an idiot when he finally managed to smile and nod. Struggling, he cleared his throat. "Felicity, have you looked at the one piece suits?"

"You don't like this one? I can try another. There's a nice blue one I liked."

"No blue!" His tone sharp, as he remembered the blue dress she'd worn for Ray, the one he'd see her kissing Ray in.

"Okay." She adjusted the top again, and he slammed his eyes shut for an instant as he licked his lips, thinking about taking that suit off of her.

Stop it, don't get any harder, he thought. How old are you today? Think dead puppies, your old dancing teacher, your mother's friend Susan, who smelled like rotten lemons. That worked until he reopened his yes and saw her in that damn suit.

"No. Yes, I mean yes, I love it, buy it, but take pity on me in public." He caught her eyes and stared deep. "Felicity, that bikini makes me ache to touch your . . . hmm. . . arms, if you remember what I mean. And I do mean right now."

She looked perplexed then blushed and met his eyes, and he could swear electricity flew between them. Oh, yeah, she remembered when he'd told he that when he touched her arms he really wanted to touch her everywhere with his mouth, and he meant everywhere!

"Ooooo! My arms. Well, yes, maybe a one piece would be better." And she fled back into the dressing room.

"Felicity, get the red polka dotted one too but please hurry."

#####OQ#####

"You're aware you're speeding?" She smiling brightly at him, and he gripped the steering wheel harder as his dick throbbed with each beat of his heart.

"Oh, yes, I'm aware, very aware. Trust me."

"You're going to get a ticket. Did you know I haven't ever had a ticket? Safe driver here. Very safe driver. Can't say the same about you. Not safe. At all."

"You've know that for years." He reached and slid his hand down her arm moving her hand to cup him for an instant, proving how much he wanted her.

She blushed, gulped and gave him a very wicked smile. "By the way, Oliver, I seriously don't have panties on. No panties at all. None. Zero. Zip. No panties. Poof gone."

He groaned out loud. "Felicity, why would you tell me that?"

"To drive you crazy," she replied smugly. "Did it work?"

"Did it work? Are you insane? I'll pay the ticket." He caught another gear and then down shifted as he braked hard and turned into the driveway. The car had barely stopped moving when he unbuckled both of their seat belts, flung the door open and pulled her into his arms.

His lips crashed against hers, as he carried her up the steps to the porch, and pressed her against the door of the house. She'd shattered his control with the no panties comment and between that image and the bikini, he couldn't wait anymore. No, not any more.

His lips touched her hot skin, moving to her neck, her shoulder and into her cleavage. His hands roamed freely. Fingering through her hair, he pulled her hair free of her ponytail, pocketed her ponytail holder and then buried his hands in her silky hair in all in of about two seconds. She thrust against him, teasing him while his dick pounded wanting in and he ground against her center.

Biting him on the ear, her hands roamed freely. "Key, Oliver? Open the door. I'm not doing this on the porch."

"Wanta bet?" His mouth moved down her neck. "It'd be your fault if I took you right here on the porch. Against the door."

"Oh yes, there, right there. I love it when you do that." She dug her fingers into his back, trying to pull him closer, her hands blazed a trail to his belt buckle, as she whispered in his ear. "Okay, I'm game. Here will work."

"Stop, you win; let me get the door unlocked."

Forcing himself, he drug his lips from her skin and gasped, as he tried to work the lock to the house. How did she do this to him? It was like his brain shut down when he started touching her.

"Give me the key."

She removed the key from his hand and effortlessly opened the door. Lifting her, he kicked the door shut, then set her down. Stripping the dress from her body in one fluid movement, he saw she really wasn't wearing any panties and pure lust engulfed him. How sexy was she? Sexy enough to set him on fire.

"Wow, I love exceedingly naughty Felicity. You don't have any panties on."

"I told you that. You started it with the whole arm thing. Like I could ever forget what you want to do when you touch my arms."

Smiling, she unclasped her bra and threw it at him and he growled.

She laughed, and he absorbed the sound, as she reached and tugged at his belt, helping his aching hard dick to spring free, while he stripped his shirt off.

He needed skin, and he needed it now. Off came his shoes, his pants and his boxers and he left them in the floor, not caring at this moment where they landed. His hands and mouth were all over her, and she burned blazing hot for him so that he only made it as far as the back of the couch.

"I can't wait anymore. NOW! Let me in now." He lifted her, supporting her with one arm, while he braced her against the back of the couch, his hands touching, rubbing, though he couldn't play this time since he was too far gone in his fever for her. His trembling fingers brushed her wet core, and she moaned for him and it was all he needed.

"Yes, moan for me. I love it." He wanted to put his mouth on her core but he couldn't wait.

"Now, Oliver, do it now. Right now. Come here."

Earnestly, he thrust hard, entering her easily, trying to hold back and go easy, but she slammed against him, reaching for him drawing him deep, amazingly deep.

"Yes, oh, yes."

He rushed, already losing his pace. His thrusts sloppy, erratic, as he mindlessly needed to finish this, as he panted and gasp lost in her.

She bore down squeezing him like a vise and tipped him over the edge.

"Felicity! Oh, God."

His spine exploded, his tight balls throbbing as he came hard, and the release kept coming until he couldn't tell where he ended and she began. Gasping for air, he thrust one last time deeply as her heat absorbed him, engulfed him, and blew him away, draining him like a balloon running out of air.

"Women what you do to me. Only you, ever." The words slipped out of his mouth and he held his and her weight up by leaning against the wall.

"And only you too. Frack Oliver. That's what I'm talking about. I should take my panties off and tell you more often." Her hands rubbed his back, kneading his flesh. "Hey, put me down, I can tell you're having issues holding me up."

"Not happening. I won't drop you." He lifted her body higher." Felicity, wrap your legs tight around me. Hold on to me tight. Let's go to the bedroom."

"You sure you can carry me?" She nuzzled his neck. "We can crash on the couch."

"It's too small for me and when haven't I been able to carry you?" He lifting an eyebrow and grinned at her, and he forced his weary frame to carry her.

She reached and pulled him down for a wicked wonderful kiss and he allowed the wall to hold them both up, while she bewitched him with her tongue.

Jesus what she could do to his mouth as she sucked his tongue.

He pulled back.

Gasping, hard. his hands roamed her firm but soft body.

"You playing with fire, woman." His body hardened inside her.

And he thrust.

She giggled as he barely managed to walk them into the bedroom before collapsing on the bed.

Falling on his back, they lay tangled up in each other, and he plunged upward making her sigh and pull him closer.

Both of them lay there for a while, almost moving but not quite, as he twisted his finger in her soft hair.

"You awake?" She touched his face.

"Yeah, but please, Felicity, you can't wear that red bikini in public."

"You don't like it? I thought I looked good in it."

"You look wonderful good it in. Good enough to eat."

"I like the way you think." She moved against him, tempting him.

Rising up on his elbow, he tucked a blonde stand of silky hair behind her ear, as he looked in her eyes. "I love the way you look in that bikini. But I like it way too much. Don't you remember a few minutes ago? That bikini made me lose it, well that and the no panties thing. You're lucky I didn't take you at the shop. I wanted to by the way."

"Oliver, you did not." She giggled and buried her face in his chest.

"Oh, yes I did. You blow me away in that suit. You're too sexy, and I swear I'll beat someone up for looking at you the way I look at you."

"Oliver! You wouldn't."

"Oh, yes, I would. Right now, I can't share your body with others. Felicity, have pity on me. I'm still adjusting to showing how much I love you. You don't realize how much I love you." He breathed out harshly. "Seeing you like that turns me on. Steals my control. I don't want to stop when it comes to you."

Reaching out, she took his hand. "Okay, one piece in public. I don't want to share you either. And do you know what you just did?"

"No, what?"

She laid her hand on his cheek. "You shared your feelings. That makes me happy."

He smiled as he realized she was right, and then leaned in and softly kissed her, breathing in her sweet vanilla scent and tried to take her slowly this time, well it started slowly.

#####OQ#####

Review if you have time. And thanks for the read.


	3. Chapter 3

#####OQ#####

The gulf water warm, it felt good. They swam in the gulf on the private beach in front of the house, and Oliver wasn't surprised to find that Felicity swam well. She'd grown up in Vegas, in the pool which meant, of course, she swam well. They played in water a while then returned to the towels and blanket and laid in the sun.

Content and at ease for the first time in a long time, he lay beside her, and he sighed deeply, liking she wasn't pressuring him to talk as the sun warmed his skin.

"Comfy?" She turned over and he turned his head and smiled at her and she smiled back.

"Yeah."

"Good."

Shutting his eyes, he relished the moment.

Jerking awake, instantly he became aware of his surroundings. Rubbing his eyes, he sat straight up wondering what had woken him since he hadn't been dreaming. His senses switched on full alert as his hand reached for Felicity on the towel beside him and came up empty handed.

Calling her name, his eyes scanned the water, expecting to see her head bobbing above the waves but saw no one.

His chest tightened as his stomach plunged and his mouth went dry.

Where was she?

His head snapped around and noted her phone, glasses and bag were on the blanket. Felicity never got too far from her phone or her glasses.

When had he dropped off?

How long had he slept?

His heart sped up.

"Felicity!" He jumped to his feet, unsure which way to go but needing to find her NOW. Again his eyes scanned the water, looking for any sign of her while horror filled him that she might have drown while he'd slept.

No, he refused to think that since she swam well. Could he be dreaming? He scrubbed his hands over his face.

Wake up. He needed to wake up.

No, he didn't seem to be asleep. His chest constricted harder. Nausea engulfed him as his eyes scanned the empty beach again.

"Felicity." He screamed her name now, over and over, his eyes sweeping the beach, the water, his heart pounding in his ears. Alone on the beach, he called her again, anguish filling him.

"Oliver!"

He snapped his head around. Relief flooded him as he saw her walking toward him, no doubt coming from the house, as she crested the top of the sand dune, holding a water bottle and waving at him. His legs moved, and he ran toward her and sweeping her up in his arms, spinning her around, pure joy engulfing him.

She was fine and still right here with him, safe.

"Did you miss me or what?" She giggled. Her blonde ponytail bobbing in the air.

He kissed her hard, framing her face with his hands. "I love you." He told her softly as she pulled away from him.

"I love you too." She smiled that wonderful smile of hers and his stomach calmed and the pressure on his chest ceased.

"Hey, I'm getting hungry, but I think I'll take one more quick dip. Want to join me?" She reached out her hand for him but he shook his head.

"No, I think I'll watch and pack us up." He needed a second to get back under control, since he didn't want her to know he'd freaked out.

She ran into the surf, her ponytail bobbing in the sunshine, and he smiled as he watched her swim out. With precision, he folded the blanket and towels and then stood and watched her swim. A frown slipped over his face. She swam getting awful far out, maybe too far out. The water seemed too calm where she swam and the water looked muddy.

Crap, the ever moving rip tide sucked sand off the bottom, and she'd be in trouble soon and not even know it.

"FELICITY!" He waved his arms to get her attention but she got further away.

Did he have a dark cloud following him? Would he ever catch a break?

He stripped his shirt off as he ran into the surf, knowing she'd gotten into a rip tide that would pull her out to sea. She'd drown if she fought the tide and it looked like she'd started fighting the water.

People drowned in the tides every day.

Jesus, she could drown in mere minutes before he could reach her.

He swam harder than he ever had, trying to reach her before she exhausted herself and gave up and the water pulled her under.

Roll over and float, he thought. Please, Felicity, roll over and float.

Why hadn't he talked to her about the rip tide? About what to do if you got in one? Stupid, really stupid on his part.

Never fight the tide for it will win.

Swim parallel until the tide spits you out.

Float if you can't swim anymore.

All the things he knew to do, and he hadn't made sure she knew. Sure she knew about swimming pools but not the damn ocean.

How could he have not warned her? How could he be so stupid?

He shut the panic down, knowing if he didn't she would die. Breathing out, he became Cold Oliver and even when he reached where she should have been and found her gone, he didn't panic. Instead, he dove straight into the rip tide not caring about anything but her.

The strong tide pulled at him but he fought, searched for her.

Where are you, Felicity?

Come on, where are you? He surfaced and gulped air and dove again.

Please God, I know I don't talk to you but now would be the time to give me a little help. Please, just a little help here. Kicking hard, he swam deeper with the tide but she wasn't there.

His head broke the water again. Sucking air, he dove again, kicking harder this time. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her lifeless body floating.

Adrenaline aided him as he kicked hard through the water fighting the tide. Reaching out, he grabbed her arm and pulled her lifeless body to him and kicked hard to break the surface to grasp in a deep breath.

The rip tide still had them in its watery clutches and his arms and legs tired with every stoke and kick. Her body limp and unresponsive, he knew she wasn't breathing.

Rolling her over, he kept her head above water, as he noted her open glassy eyes. His mind screaming plans, he flipped over to float, knowing if he didn't rest for a few seconds they could both drown.

CPR his mind insisted. NOW!

The sooner he started CPR the better chance she had, but first he had to get her out of the water. Time no longer his friend, he only had a few minutes to get her breathing again and start chest compression's or she'd have brain damage. Cardiac arrest would happen next.

He screamed in frustration.

How could he have let this happen? Why hadn't he gotten in the water with her? She'd have been safe if he'd just gotten in the damn water with her.

Flipping back over, he swam diagonal to shore, dragging her behind him. Finally, he managed to get free of the tide, and he swam hard toward the shore, towing her with him.

As soon as his feet hit the sand, he lifted her out of the water. Carrying her lifeless body, he made it back to the blanket, and he laid her on the blanket in the sand. Flipping her on her side, he cleared water from her mouth.

Rolling her to her back, he checked for a pulse and found nothing.

"Come on, Felicity. Help me."

He started chest compressions, placing his large hands between her breasts and pressing while he counted to 30, then he tilted her head, pinched her nose and gave four short breathes and watched her chest rise. Good at least her airway was clear.

Grabbing her phone, he dialed 911 and put it on speaker phone and threw it in the sand beside him.

"911, what's your emergency?" A strong woman's voice came on the line.

"Drowning victim. I need an ambulance NOW."

He did thirty more compressions. Stopped and checked for a pulse and found nothing.

"Your address?"

Terror ripped through him. "I don't know the address. On the beach near our rental. Vacationing. I don't live here."

He pinched her nose and blew four more breathes.

"Can you start CPR?"

"I'M doing it now." He knew she could probably hear the almost panic in his voice but he didn't care.

"What's your name?"

"Oliver Queen."

"Okay, Oliver, what color's your rental? Which direction from town? I can't help you if I don't know where you are."

More compressions, more breathes, and he checked for a pulse. "West of your town, not far from the small town. Tiny place, white with blue shutters. Right on the water. Come on Felicity, breathe for me."

"Long driveway or short?"

"Short."

"Is the mailbox yellow?"

It seemed like a foolish question but he answered, "No, silver. Fight, Felicity! Don't you dare leave me."

More compressions, four more breathes and still no pulse. His heartbeat thundered in his ears. She couldn't die. He'd be alone, lost without her.

"Is it a one bedroom or two?"

"What?" He did compressions again.

"The rent house is it one or two bedroom?"

"One."

"In the air or on the ground?"

"The ground. Felicity, breathe, come on, you can breathe for me."

"Ambulance is in route. You're in the old Anderson place."

"Thank you. I hear them in the distance. Whoever you are, thank you."

"Mae, my name's Mae. Don't stop the CPR. I'll stay with you until they arrive."

Four breathes, and thirty chest compressions and no pulse.

"How long was she under? How many minutes?"

"Less than two. Not long enough to kill her if she'll just breathe. Fight, Felicity, damn it, come back to me." Four more breaths. She was running out of time but still he did CPR.

His chest contracted, and he tasted real fear. She wasn't coming back. No, she was going to die and leave him alone. He would die without her, and he'd insure it this time. "Fight, Felicity, breathe for me. You can do this."

"How many compressions are you doing?"

"Thirty."

"Up it to hundred, press harder, you have to get her heart started if she's going to have a chance."

"I'm going to bruise her if I press harder."

"She's dying. You have to her heart restarted. Now do it."

He changed up the compressions, knowing he bruised her now, possibly was breaking her ribs, and there was still nothing, no sign of life.

His body weakening, his arms trembling as his muscles failed, but he kept going. Her blue lips and pale her skin hadn't changed, nothing had changed.

"Ninety-nine, 100." He blew into her mouth, and she gagged and puked water.

"YES! Turn her on her side," The woman on the phone demanded. "Help her clear the water."

"That's it, Felicity, get it out."

Spiting and sputtering, she coughed up water. "Oliver?"

"Shh, I'm right here. You're okay. We're okay now. Just breathe. That's it, breathe."

"Aw. . . My chest hurts . . . bad. Like an elephant is sitting on it."

"I know. I've drowned. It hurts a lot."

"When did you drown?"

"Shh, I've tell you later. Focus on breathing right now. That's it. Stay with me. Breathe."

Help arrived and the two men forced him back and began working on her. His fingers trembled when he picked up the phone. "Thank you for helping me, for helping us. What did you say your name was again?"

"Mae, my name's Mae. And no problem, I hope your wife is fine. Good work. She would have died without you doing CPR. Make sure she goes to the hospital to be checked out."

The words washed over him. "She's not my wife but she should be. Thank you again, Mae." He hung up and reached and grabbed his t-shirt. He'd noticed the looks the EMT's were giving his chest and back.

"But, Oliver, I don't want to go to the hospital."

"Hospital. No arguing."

The EMT's loaded her in the ambulance.

"You never go to the hospital. I'm okay now. I promise."

"If I drown again, I'll go. I promise. Now, I'll be right behind you."

"Oliver, did you get my glasses?"

"I'll get them, now be a good patient, and I'll see you in a little while."

#####OQ#####

He gathered their stuff from the sand, not even stopping to change, and was following the ambulance back to town. Cradling her glasses in his large hand, he totally freaked out when he realized they'd flipped the sirens on and now raced away from him. His breath froze in his chest.

What the hell had happened?

She'd been fine mere minutes ago.

By the time he'd abandoned the car in front of the ER's doors and rushed into the building, Felicity was in cardiac arrest, and it took three nurses to force him out of her room, holding him back from reaching her.

"You can't be in here. You have to let us work."

Almost the same words the doctor had uttered when Thea had been bleeding to death. He shook with cold now as he stood with his back against the wall. Wrapping his arms around himself, he watched them charge the paddles and hit her with the charge. Her body jumped and his heart contracted.

He flashed back to Thea dying again, only this time it was Felicity dying on him. His very world dying right in front of his eyes. A nurse bagged her, while another injected her with something, and he could see the flat line on the screen through the door.

The rest of the world faded away and time slowed to a crawl. Everything he wanted was slipping away from him, like sand through his fingers.

No, no, NO, his brain screamed.

Fight, Felicity, fight.

Stay with me, please stay with me. His right hand covered his mouth to stop the scream of rage threatening to escape. The doctor barked orders, and a nurse brought another crash cart.

"Clear!" The doctor hit Felicity with the paddles again.

Nothing.

Still a flat line.

"One more and I'm calling time of death."

No, you will not, he thought. He'd put her on life support and take her to the pit just like Thea. Maybe it would save her and not change her. And he'd do whatever Merlyn wanted to see that she lived. He'd rejoin the league if needed and do whatever had to be done.

A small grey haired women swept past him and burst into the room.

"This the drowning?"

"Yeah, she was arresting when she came in."

The woman commanded them like a leader, shouting medical orders and people moved.

"She's, no doubt, sucked sea water into her lungs and osmosis is pulling water from the bloodstream into her lungs. It's the salt that's the problem." The nurse handed the woman a needle and she injected the drug into Felicity's heart. "Her blood's too thick and that's overworking her heart. Now hit her again. Clear."

The flat line beeped once, and he had an instant of hope.

"Again. Clear."

This time the line beeped, hesitated and beeped again as her heart restarted, and his relief so intense, he slid down the wall and sank to the floor. He still sat there when the gray haired woman found him as she swept back out the door.

"Oliver?"

He looked up. "Yes, how did you know?"

"I'm Doc. Mae but everyone calls me Mae. Doctor's too formal for me. I believe we talked on the phone." She extended her small hand, and he took it and pulled himself to his feet, and then, he engulfed her in his large arms, giving her a huge hug.

"Thank you. You saved her. I'd forgot about the salt thickening the blood. Of course, she went into cardiac arrest."

"More like, we saved her together, and wow, you're a big guy. You a doctor?"

Face reddening, he released her. "No. But I know certain things. Sorry, I'm . . ."

"Overwhelmed?"

"Yes, you wouldn't understand how much."

"Do you drink coffee?"

"Yes."

"Well, come on, I'll buy you a cup."

"No." He shook his head. "I need to stay here. Be close. I want her put on life support if she dies."

Mae patted his forearm. "She's okay for now, stable, and we have a little time before she probably goes south."

"Goes south?"

"Gets sick again."

"Why would she get sick?" The blood roared in his ears.

"Look I gave her a blood thinner, and she probably won't code again today. But we need to watch her closely for the next couple of days."

"Two days?" His mind refused to process.

"At least, we'll have to see how it goes but trust me, you need a break right now, and the nurses won't let you in yet until they get her moved to a room. And I hear you need to move your very fancy car before Jeff, our sheriff, has it towed."

He gave one last look through the door at Felicity and nodded. "Right, give me a couple of minutes. I'll move the car, and I need to make a quick call first."

Reaching the car, he moved it and parked it in the real parking lot and picked up Felicity's phone. Swiping her screen to unlock it, he thumbed his way down to John's number and giving a huge sigh, with a hand that shook, he completed the call.

"Hey, Felicity, what's up." John's strong voice spoke in his ear.

He shut his eyes to control the pain in his chest. "John, please, don't hang up on me."

"Why shouldn't I, Oliver? Give me one good reason." John's voice held darkness.

"Felicity's in the hospital. And I . . ." his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, "I don't know if she'll be all right or not."

"Oliver, what the hell happened?"

"I let her drown." His voice cracked again but he pushed on, "I let her die, and they just managed to restart her heart."

#####OQ######

Thoughts? Review? Love to hear them.

And thanks for the read.


	4. Chapter 4

#####OQ#####

John's voice exploded in his ear, and he pulled the phone away. "How the hell could you let Felicity drown?"

"I . . . didn't mean."

"You, Oliver? YOU who has OCD and is obsessed with keeping her safe? How could this happen?"

"I know."

"Where's the man who's watching out for her, keeping her out of harm's way. And her heart stopped too? Man, what the hell are you doing out there? Talk to me."

He literally cringed and his hand tightened on the phone. "I know. Don't you think I don't know it's my fault, I messed up?"

"Sounds like you more than messed up this time. Damn it. What are the doctors saying?"

"Doctor. She says at least a couple of days in the hospital. It happened too fast. I tried . . . I tried hard. The instant I knew she'd gotten into trouble I swam to help her. But I couldn't get there fast enough, and the tide pulled her under. I failed her, John. I. . . don't know what else to say. I . . . don't have the words."

"Look," his friend sharply interrupted him, "call me when you know something. I can't talk to you right now. I past mad at you. Better yet, do me a favor?"

"Sure. Whatever you need."

"Don't call me. I'll call you."

Abruptly, John Diggle severed the connection leaving him alone with a pain in his chest.

Closing his eyes, he shivered, freezing cold inside and out as he stood in the parking lot, with a phone in his hand, adrift without anyone. Swallowing hard, he opened his eyes and exhaled and squared his shoulders.

For years, he'd depended only on himself, so why now did he feel alone?

Tapping his finger on the phone's screen, he thought all these years now he'd had John and Felicity standing with him, and he'd depended on them, gotten used to having them beside him.

No, he hadn't been alone for a long time, except during his time with Ra's. He shut that thought off cold and pondered calling Thea, but he couldn't.

What if she blamed him too?

John blamed him.

But then her drowning was his fault.

Wasn't it?

If he'd warned her about the tides, or if he'd gotten in the damn water with her she'd be safe.

He pocketed his phone.

Cracking his neck, he straightened his stance and walked back in the ER's entrance, wanting to run the other way. The idea held appeal, but he needed to talk to the doctor, so he walked down the hall and took the lukewarm coffee from Mae's hand and followed her into a conference room.

He didn't sit and neither did her doctor.

Taking a small sip of coffee, he fought the urge to spit the nasty sludge back into the cup.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad, but at least the cup's warm, and you look cold." The older woman twisted her wedding ring and seemed far away for an instant.

"I'll survive." He sat the coffee on a nearby table, denying himself the warmth and insuring he didn't drink the sewage.

"I have no doubt. Tell me, Oliver, where did you learned your CPR training?"

"A class in college."

A lie but she'd never know the difference.

"Well, I'm amazed how long you did CPR. It tires most people rather quickly, which is why it's better to have more than one person to swap out with when you're in a drowning situation. Your Felicity's a lucky woman that you're a strong man. What's your story by the way?"

"Not much to tell." His stomach tightened, and he crossed his arms in front of his chest, lifting his chin.

Cocking her head, she narrowed her eyes at him. "I've heard you have knife scars that say differently."

His Arrow voice came out, dark and intimidating. "That's none of your business and how dare you ask me that?"

Yet, his tone didn't faze her at all. Instead, she placed a hand on her hip and gave a wave her hand. "It's easy. I'm old."

"But didn't your mother teach you manners?"

"My mother died having me."

Talk about putting his foot in his mouth.

Mae added. "I never met her. But she must have been something else, since my father mourned her the rest of his life and never remarried. Instead, he worked every day as the chief resident of this hospital and back then he did home visits too."

"Sounds like he worked hard."

"Yeah, and he worked himself into an early grave. And he let everyone around have a hand in raising me, from his office staff to the housekeeper of the week."

A spot on the wall became interesting, as he remembered how close he'd been to their housekeeper, Raisa.

"Oliver, I became a doctor when women stayed home and raised children or if they entered the medical field they became nurses. I chose a hard path, and I learned quickly to not care what other people think about me. Though, I'll let you in on something that's not a secret, I've never cared what people thought and have ever known my place."

She made air quotes, reminding him of Felicity, and he choked and had a coughing fit, trying not to laugh.

"Hence, how I survived in the medical field. And believe me it's still a man's world. Welcome to small town, USA, Oliver. People talk. They're bored to tears and gossip makes the world go round and all that."

He shook his head. "Okay. I'll keep that in mind. But I don't want to talk about my scars."

"But you have them and they came from somewhere. The question is where?"

His mouth dry, he reached for the nasty coffee again but caught himself before he drank.

Giving her a dark look, he watched as she held up her hands. "Relax, remember you had your shirt off when the EMT's arrived. Those men have eyes you know and told me you've got some massive scarring, knife wounds and third degree or deeper burns on your back, and knife and bullet wounds on your chest. Do you expect honestly thing people are not to notice?"

"I . . ." he swallowed hard. "It's none of your or anyone's business where I got my scars. I don't talk about my scars."

"Scars are nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people have scars, especially people who've served our country."

"I'm not embarrassed." If anything, he felt numb as he pushed his rushing emotions away, shut them down, like he normally did.

Mae cocked her head to the side. "Whatever. Were you Special Forces? Navy seal? Or CIA? Marines, perhaps?"

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." He gritted his teeth and swallowed hard.

"Funny, young man, very funny."

"I'm not joking." His voice flat and serious, he added, "And I'm not young. Not anymore and not for a long time. Now, I want to talk about Felicity. How long will she need to stay? A few days? Is she's going to be alright?"

The old woman stared deep into his eyes, and if took all he had not to flinch under her knowing gaze.

Mae's eyes burned with something that made him uncomfortable in his own skin and made him wonder if this elderly woman could somehow see inside him, could see past his mask, and could see the monster who lived and thrived deep inside him.

She held his eyes and he shivered and his fingers twitched before he looked away.

Her voice hard, she looked him up and down. "You quite a mystery, Oliver. Twenty minutes ago you hugged me with gusto. You were thankful she'd pulled though, and now you've got murder in your cold, dead eyes. Lord, I've seen eyes like yours before."

"I don't know what to say."

"Then say that you've stared at the devil and spit in his face. You're such a hard one, aren't you? Yet, she's the key, isn't she? The one you are in love with."

His stomach dropped, and he looked away, but he nodded.

Jesus, what was wrong with him?

He easily stared heartless murders down, and now, he found he couldn't look into the eyes of one old woman for less than one minute.

Rubbing his face, he recognized exhaustion was setting in, allowing his emotions to run this freely.

Mae's lips moved, and he wondered what he'd missed while he'd checked out.

". . . if she's lucky, and a lot longer if things go south. If that happens . . ." She shook her gray head and shrugged.

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?"

"Long and short, she's going to get very sick. That cut and dry enough for you?"

He blinked several times processing.

His hand fisted tightly, and he splashed lukewarm coffee down the front of his chest and down his arm, as he crushed the forgotten coffee cup in his hand.

"Oh, here let me get you some Kleenex to clean up."

"It's nothing. Forget it. Felicity's what's important here." His brain shorted out. Running on auto-pilot now, he wiped the dark liquid down the front of his shirt and dropped the cup with a splash into a nearby trashcan.

"Explain how you know this." He growled, the Arrow coming out in him.

"Thirty years of working drownings in a tourist town give me a little insight."

"Go on." He nodded.

"Most of time the people who drown are lucky and don't get wet lung. Unfortunately, your Felicity's got a good chance of having wet lung."

"Trust Felicity to be special.

"Yeah. Well believe it or not, she is _special_ because most people die in the water and stay that way, since they don't have you to get them breathing again. Most of them never make it to the ER. And they don't live to arrest."

"But she did."

"Yeah, she did because you did CPR long enough to get her heart started again, which is amazing. But then, she arrested because she sucked salt water into her lungs, which thickened her blood. This means, we know she has salt water in her lungs. There's no changing that fact."

The women hesitated, and he nodded, even though he found breathing hard the more she explained, since none of this sounded good.

His mind scrambled.

Felicity could not be sick.

NO.

She's young and healthy. Not sick but healthy. He had to be dreaming.

Wake up, he told himself. Just, wake the hell up.

But he wasn't sleeping.

"Now the question is how much water did she suck in? We suctioned her lungs but got very little water out and that doesn't . . . how can I say this?"

"Just go on and don't sugar coat it."

"Think you can take the bitter truth? Okay?"

She eyed him, and he met her stare, this time with hard eyes, as he forced total emotional shut down. Bracing, he'd handle whatever she told him, even bad news.

"Felicity's lungs will fill up from inhaling the salt water, and she'll fail quickly. It will be bad, but she'll start drowning again. Only this time it will be in her own fluids. Pneumonia will set in, and I'll warn you now that it's never pretty to watch. Her oxygen levels will fall, and she'll slowly get confused and disoriented."

He shut his eyes to take the pain racking him.

"After that happens, she'll truly get sick."

"Like she wasn't sick before?"

"Not like she will be. Her lungs will fail first, and she won't get enough air, and then one by one her major organs will shut down. She's go into congestive heart failure and finally, she'll arrest again. And, if we aren't careful, she die this time because, even if we can get her heart restarted, her lungs won't be able to keep up."

The pain in his chest ripped through him.

Opening his eyes, he held up his hand. "Enough, I get the picture. What can you do to stop this, to help her?"

She grimaced, shrugged and shook her head.

"I don't know if she'll live. But I'll do everything I can and nothing all at the same time. I have meds I can give her that might help, but the salt's already pulling the fluid into her lungs."

"Can't you stop it? Help her get rid of the fluids? Stop her from drowning."

"NO! It's too late. I can't stop the salt. And I think you should get used to the idea that she'll end up on a respirator before this is over."

"A respirator?" Images of Thea dying filled his mind, and he wanted to scream out his fury.

"Yes, she'll need help getting enough oxygen to keep her heart and other organs working and her lungs won't be able to do it on their own. Normally, I would airlift her straight out of here."

"To where?"

"Dallas or Houston."

"Would it increase her chances?"

"No, probably decrease them."

"Then why would you airlift her?"

Her face turned hard, and she ducked her head, "You want the truth?"

"Yeah."

"So, she won't die on my watch, hurt my numbers and raise my insurance if you sue."

He blinked several times, his brain refusing to work, to process what she'd said before it finally engaged and he managed to say, "That's harsh."

"Life's harsh and this is a small town. My grandfather built this hospital. My father loved this hospital more than he loved me, and this is my watch and I'll protect the hospital the best I can. Trust me, nothing's going to happen to this hospital on my watch. It's nothing personal, Oliver."

"Feels pretty personal to me right now. Don't let her die."

"I don't plan to let her die, and I said normally. Besides, I've already decided that since she has you, I'm going to keep her here.""

"Why would I make a difference?"

The older woman looked him straight in the eye with the piercing look the older woman possessed in spades. "Because I like you."

"You don't know me."

"I agree but if I airlift her, she'll be six hours away. By the time you drive there and convince them, bully them or threaten them." She held up her hand to stop him from speaking. "I get that you will do whatever it takes to get you in the door. I understand that, even if she isn't married to you that you'll figure a way in that door because you love her."

"You're right. I will." And he held her eye, not ashamed he loved her.

"But by then she'll be in critical care, and they'll let you see her maybe once an hour for a few minutes. It's not enough. Mainly, she'll be alone and that's never good for someone who's very sick."

"I want to be with her."

"I know that and you should. So, I'm going to let you stay with her as long as you want because I think it'll help her in the long run to have you around."

"I don't understand."

"Love's a strong emotion, maybe the strongest, I've ever seen. I've seen people pull through to stay with someone they love. People that should have died, but they had the will to stay. And I know she loves you and you love her, so you will help her stay."

"How would you know that?" His gruff voice had an edge to it.

"From your 911 call. I stayed on that phone with you while you begged her to come back to you, while you did CPR for longer than any person I've ever known. Hell, you upped the number of compressions after you had to be exhausted. Why? I've thought about it and it was because you weren't going to let her die if you could save her. She wasn't dying on your watch, so to speak."

He couldn't look in her eyes anymore, no, he looked away and his eyes watered.

"And she said your name first when she came back from the dead. She didn't ask 'what happened or where am I?' No, she said your name, Oliver, and I'm hoping she loves you enough to fight to stay with you, since I want to watch your romance unfold."

He cleared his throat before he could say, "Me too because I don't want her to die. I need her. what can I do to help?"

She hesitated then nodded her head. "Be there for her. Hold her hand. Talk to her."

"I talk to her all the time."

"Good, but this is going to be the worse time either of you have ever been through and you need to give her a reason to stay here when it gets bad and she wants to give up, and, Oliver, it's going to get bad."

"No."

"Yes. She's going to have trouble breathing and her body's going to fail her. You don't understand that she's going to want to go. What are you going to do when she can't breathe and wants to go?"

"I don't know."

"You're going to have to be strong and force her to stay. And we're going to do what has to be done to get her and you through this. She's young and could survive. Now, I need you to get her to sign a power of attorney form."

"Form?"

"Yeah, you're not her husband, which means you have NO rights unless she gives them to you." Mae turned and threw the words "and get her to sign a living will, just in case, she needs it. Now go admit her then go home and get some clothes on, we keep it cold here."

And he wrapped him arms around his chest as he headed toward the ER.

#####OQ#####

"Date of birth?"

"I don't know."

How stupid could he be?

How did he NOT know her birthday?

He'd known her for three years. Lived in her pocket for three years, and he didn't know her birthday. Talk about making him feel thoughtless. How could he know so little about her?

"Next of kin?" The woman gave him a small smile and his stomach fell.

"Me." He gave them his personal info, as he grasped his knees to stop his hands from twitching.

"Married, single, divorced?"

The woman raised an eyebrow and looked him over.

"Mine," came to his mind but unfortunately that word wasn't an option.

"Single." He needed to change that.

Jesus, he didn't want her single. She belonged to him.

His, he thought.

But his mind put the brakes on those thoughts.

"Insurance?"

Again, he didn't know the answer.

"Maybe? You'll have to ask her."

"Address?"

He gave the woman the old lair's address.

Finally, the woman released him, done with her questions, and he was glad to leave, after she handed him the forms Felicity needed to sign about the power of attorney and her living will, though the living will didn't matter.

He would never take her off life support. Ever!

#####OQ#####

Driving back to the rental, he threw on the pants he'd worn earlier.

Changing his shirt, he found his jacket and his cell phone. Grabbing her tablet and charger, he found her large purse and added both their phone chargers to the pile, along with a change of clothes for her.

Locking the door behind him, he stuck the house key in his front pocket and brushed a small object in his pocket.

Pulling the object out of his pocket, he came up with her red hair tie.

The very one he'd taken from her hair while they had been making out on the porch, only this morning.

Could it be only this morning? It seemed a long while ago now.

It seemed days, no weeks or maybe years.

He'd forgotten the hair tie, for at the time since he'd been on fire for her, but now he remembered vividly.

Gone, she'd almost been gone and he'd not even known. He'd almost let her die.

She could still die.

His chest tight, he couldn't breathe, and he struggled to inhale.

Sweat popped out on his forehead and he realized that he couldn't do this.

He thought he could but he couldn't. He couldn't be with her because this living together was too hard. She had to go home, had to go back to where she had been safe.

He had to take her back to Starling City. She was never going to be safe with him, ever. This was his fault.

It didn't matter what he wanted, her safety came first. He'd let her go, and this time, he wouldn't be weak and selfish.

No, he'd walk away from her. He'd walk away from her as soon as she got well enough for him to take home.

His chest tightened at the thought of letting her go. His breath came in short gasps, as he fell to his knees into the sand, and he punched the sand over and over again.

The helplessness of his situation overpowered him, burning him from the inside. Over and over, he punched until his knuckles bled, until his shoulder muscles screamed, and when he couldn't punch anymore, he collapsed to his knees in the sand.

Jesus, he needed her to live. Flashes of her smile, her laugh filled his head. He didn't want to walk away. No, God help him, he wanted her, and he desperately wanted to stay. Why couldn't he be happy for an instant? Why did something or someone one have to rob him of his happiness every single blasted time?

Why take her from him?

Hadn't he paid for the sins he'd committed?

Would he ever stop paying for his wrongs?

His phone rang. Hands stinging, burning with sand ground in them, his knuckles, a raw bloody mess, he pulled his phone from his pocket and saw John's face and answered.

"Oliver, how is she?" John growled the words at him.

He swallowed hard. "She's in critical care. The doctor expects her to get worse in the next week. She's sucked salt water into her lungs. I expect her to get bad, really bad." He couldn't say the words, "drown in her own fluids and maybe die."

"Man, I swear if she lives you had better not run on her. I swear if you run, this time I will hunt you down."

"I'm not running." He didn't know if he meant the words but he said them anyway.

"Stop lying, Oliver, remember I know what an emotional cripple you are. You're a runner. As soon as anyone gets close, you run. Right now you're planning to bring her back and run and leave me to pick up the pieces. Admit it."

John knew him too well. Yes, he wanted to run but where would he be without her? He would be alone, terribly alone.

"I'm NOT dealing with Felicity's broken heart again. You run and I'll hunt you down. I mean it, Oliver. There won't be a place you can hide from me."

"John, I promise I'm not run this time. I'm going to stand."

"You better. Jesus, I'm angry with you for not keeping her safe. She'd better not die. Keep me posted." And John hung up on him again.

On the sand, by his feet, lay her hair tie. Leaning down, he picked it up and placed it back in his pocket, then found the house key and unlocked the door and went to clean up his bloody hands. She'd be angry at him for hurting his hands. He signed deeply, disgusted with himself.

#####OQ#####

She woke up wearing a full oxygen mask over her nose and mouth to find Oliver slumped in the chair beside her. He sat silently rolling a red hair tie between his fingers, and when he saw she was awake he sat up straight, and the hair tie disappeared. She smiled because she knew it was hers.

"What happened?" Where her first words, as she watched him unfold his large body from the tiny chair beside her bed.

"You got in the riptide, and I let you drown."

"No, I drowned and you saved me."

"Okay."

The word came out quietly enough, she wasn't sure he'd said it, and she could tell he didn't believe that he'd saved her, and he blamed himself.

"Oliver, are you, alright?"

He pressed his lips together tightly for an instant. "You sucked sea water into your lungs and your heart stopped. Now you're probably going to get pneumonia. You about to be really sick for little while."

His tone even and rehearsed and rather scary, like he'd practiced his little speech. She'd heard that tone of his before. It was his, 'I have made up my mind and you're not going to change it tone.' The tone he used when he martyred himself, when he chose to step away from her.

"Oliver, look at me. This isn't your fault. I panicked and before I knew it the water drug me down and . . . I." Her voice trailed off. She really didn't want to talk about drowning. It'd been terrifying and painful and her chest still hurt.

She held out her hand, and when he reached she saw the bandages. "What have you done to your hands? What did you hit?"

Instantly, he pulled his hands back, and then he turned his head, set his jaw and refused to answer her.

"Honestly, let me see what you have done."

He stood, and she could tell by his body language shouted his anger. She sighed. Loving him could be hard sometimes.

"Felicity, my hands are fine. Okay, I beat my hands up, and then I bandaged them up. They'll heal. It's you I am worried about." His hands fisted now and his words sharp. "This isn't over. The salt water in your lungs has already stopped your heart once, and the doctor thinks you're going to get sick. She thinks your lungs will fail and you could die."

"Well. then I get a dip in the magic hot tub. Right?"

"That's not funny. Not even a little bit." He shook his head.

"Okay, well, maybe I won't get sick. Maybe the doctor's wrong. But people get sick. It's part of living life and part of growing old. But look, I'm strong. Trust me, I'll live."

"You can't guarantee that." His words had become quiet, marked, again with that tone back in his voice.

"Don't you dare shut down on me, now of all times. I see what you're doing. Standing there blaming yourself, brooding. Look at me, Oliver. I know what you're thinking. That this is your fault somehow. That you should have been able to save me before I drowned. Let me take this stupid mask off. I feel like it is suffocating me."

His head snapped up. "NO, leave it on. It's your lungs and not the mask that are making it hard to breathe. And YES! I should have warned you about the rip tide. I should have told you what to do, not let you get in the water by yourself. This is my fault."

"Stop blaming yourself. I had an accident. Stop stepping back from me. Stop running away from me. I see exactly what you're doing. You're overwhelmed, so you're shutting down. I get that emotions are hard for you, but you're the one who's drowning right now because you can't control what's happening."

His face became hard, and he set his jaw, with his mouth in a frown.

"Oliver, you may be standing a few feet away but you're miles away from me. Look at me. Would you please look at me?"

He looked and she reached for him again, and this time, he took her hand.

"I love you, Oliver. You. No matter what. And by the way, we will get through this together. But you have to promise me that you won't beat your hands up again. I need your hands to touch me, to protect me." She stopped and smiled at him. "I get that you need the emotional release, well then run, swim, find a gym but don't beat your hands up again. Not for me. Okay?" She pulled him toward her. "Do it. Promise me right now or I will take this mask off."

"Alright, I promise. I won't do it again. But you have to get better, Felicity. Please, get better. Don't leave me alone." Then he pulled her into his arms and held her like he'd never let her go again.

#####OQ#####

He started with hope, a foolish emotion he didn't believe in, but he started with it anyway. For almost one full day she did fine.

Mae found them a deck of playing cards, and Felicity beat him in every card game they played. He knew she was smart and from Vegas, but heavens, she was good at cards.

It was almost ironic that his descent into his own personal hell began with a small cough.

Something tiny, so itty bitty, he didn't even really notice it in the beginning. They were playing cards, and she won, again and again, but then she coughed and gagged a little bit.

"You okay?"

"Fine, it's your turn."

But she wasn't fine.

No, as the hours pasted, he noted he could hear her breathe. She wheezed, even with the full oxygen mask on 100 percent. As time pasted he noted, during their card game called Speed, he beat her easily, too easily.

"Did you let me win?"

"Of course, not. Why would I? I have finally found something you're not good at. I should record it with my phone, and show John. He'd love to watch me beat you at something."

Glancing down, he noted her fingernails were turning blue, a sure sign she wasn't getting enough oxygen.

"Felicity, where are your oxygen levels," he asked casually, as he eyed the monitor and noted she was down in the high 80's. Not wanting to panic, he reached and pushed the nurse's button.

"Problems?" A female voice questioned.

"Yes, her oxygen level's falling."

"I'll call, Mae."

Mae arrived with a frown. "Your lungs are filling up. I'll order an x-ray."

"Really, I'm good. I'm just getting tired. I think I'll take a nap."

But she wasn't fine. And a little while later, she woke up drowning, gasping, struggling to breathe and there was nothing he could do to help her. Instead, the crash cart arrived, and the nurses pushed him out of the room because he was freaking out and screaming her name.

#####OQ#####


	5. Chapter 5

#####OQ#####

Thrusting his hand in his pocket, Oliver fingered her hair tie and it helped calmed him as he paced the hall outside her room. His gut burned.

How had he let himself lose control? He knew better and now wasn't the time to act like an idiot with Felicity sick. His hands fisted, and he ached to hit something hard, to work his muscles until he found numb again.

His chest heaved as only his promise to her kept his still bandaged hands from punching the wall behind him.

Mae frowned at him and shook her gray head as she walked out of Felicity's room. "You need to get control of yourself right now young man."

Emotions threatened to overpower him and he pressed his teeth together to stop the scream that wanted to rip out of his throat.

Instead he nodded. "You're right. I'm better now. The question is how is she?"

His tone sounded desperate, but it took all he had in him not to buckle under the strain. For years, he'd survived by shutting off his emotions, walling them off, no one could hurt him if he kept numb and didn't feel. But Felicity had broken the dam, with her smiles and her love, his walls had tumbled down, and he couldn't attempt to rebuild them with Felicity sick. The woman had crept into his heart and forced him to feel such happiness and now such pain.

"She's better than you are right now." Mae twisted her wedding ring. "She's had a breathing treatment. But you're going to have to do a better job of holding it together. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. And if you panic, she will too. Don't make me throw you out of her room."

"Don't be sure you could." He couldn't keep the dark edge out of his voice.

She raised an eyebrow at him, and he felt like a small child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Looking at the wall behind Mae's shoulder, he sighed and admitted, "Alright, I lost it in there. Normally, I never panic, but the last few months have been hard on me." He scrubbed his face with his hands before adding, "I don't know what's wrong with me? I'll do better. I promise. I just need to know how to help her when she can't breathe."

"Stop beating yourself up, Oliver. You're both under a lot of stress right now and staying calm is the first step. Call for the nurse then get Felicity to focus on her breathing. Sit her up. She needs to inhale slowly through her nose and push out through her mouth, like she's trying to whistle. Help her slow down and think. If both of you panic, she could die. You need to keep a clear head since you won't be fighting to breathe. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, I understand, and I won't let it happen again."

"Good, I'll have the respiratory therapist talk to both of you and run through some practice sessions. But you have to calm down or you're never going to survive this."

"You'd be surprised what I can survive."

"I'm sure that's true, but for now you need to throttle back, which means for the next six hours you're banned from her room."

"Banned? You can't do that." His voice cracked.

"I can and I have. You're past exhausted. Go home, Oliver."

"I'm not exhausted."

"You are." Her voice softened and she patted his forearm. "Honestly, when's the last time you slept? How many days has it been now?"

He looked away from her, his heart pounding, as he shrugged. "I'm fine. I'll catch a nap in a little while, when she's asleep."

Mae shook her head. "You're not fine. You look like hell. Now I want you to go home, sleep, eat and take a shower. Not necessary in that order. Dr's orders."

"No. I need to stay here with her."

"You need to go home. Look, I gave her something to help her rest and her fever's still low grade. She's holding on pretty well." Mae reached and patted his arm and he allowed her touch. "Go home, she won't even know you're gone. I'll have them call your cell, if something happens."

"But?"

"But nothing. You're banned." She waved her pointer finger at him, her tone flat and harsh. "You've had enough. Come back in six hours. No sooner. Go. Now. Rest. Eat. Shower."

"But?"

"Argue and I'll make it eight hours, maybe ten. Now go! I've got things to do. Trust me I'll keep her safe. GO!"

He felt like his mother had sent him to his room, as Mae waved him away. He watched her turn and walk away, leaving him no choice but to leave.

On the way to the parking lot, Thea texted him, and he finally called his sister and explained. And for the first time, he didn't lie and tell her everything was fine, when his life wasn't fine at all.

No, not at all.

#####OQ#####

Thea made him feel better.

She insisted Felicity drowning was NOT his fault. His sister encouraged him to not blame himself, and even if he didn't believe her, he still felt better because she'd said the words.

She'd offered to come, to be with him, but he'd refused.

No, he didn't want her here with him. He didn't want her or anyone to see him out of control, or realize how lost he'd become without Felicity.

So he drove back to the rental, and he did what Mae ordered.

He stood at the sink and ate part of a sandwich and an apple. The rest he wrapped in plastic wrap and put back in the fridge. Grabbing the orange juice, he poured a glass and wondered if she'd drank out of the carton already.

Shaking his head, with a slight smile, he lifted his glass. "To Felicity's spit." And he drank the juice.

Maybe they could buy two cartons?

Hmm.

A his and hers kind of thing.

A slow smile lit his lips.

Stripping, he stepped into a quick very hot shower.

But it didn't help as he cleaned his body, the ice still encased his chest.

Dressing in boxers, he fell into bed that smelled like her and his heart ached. Pulling her pillow into his arms, he breathed her scent in, closed his eyes, and told his brain to stop thinking.

Tired, exhausted, almost dead on his feet, he had to recharge.

And he shut his eyes, surrendering to the darkness.

#####OQ#####

Strong hands forced him under the frigid water, trapping him.

His right eye swelled shut, he could barely see the men who pulled him from the water. But he fought against his chains, his wrists slick with blood, his arms bound behind his back.

Yet, he couldn't escape his tormentors or his chains.

The men pushed his head under again, held him, and he struggled, fought, not to inhale.

Someone punched him hard in the kidney, and he sucked cold water in, swallowing hard and choking.

Jerking him out of the water, a large man slapped him over and over. Blind, he gagged water.

He vomited water, choking. Wrenching over and over, he choked on the water.

"Tell me. Now."

"I don't know." He screamed.

But, if he could get loose, he'll kill them all.

He inhaled as the hard hands plunged him under the cold water again.

The hands held him under for long enough to almost kill him.

When he became desperate for air, they dragged him out of the water again.

He couldn't take much more, but he couldn't make them stop, either.

They plunged his head under again and again. Fighting them, he panicked, drowning again.

In misery, lungs burning, chest screaming in pain, his head pounded from the carbon dioxide building up in his blood stream. Drowning, panic engulfing him, he inhaled against his will and sucked the water into his throat and his heart roared in his ears.

They pulled him out and he gasped air and puked water.

"Tell me where he is?"

The torture continued, long past the time when he would have broken and told them everything but he didn't know what they wanted. "Stop, please, no more. I don't know. I'd tell you if I knew."

But they didn't stop, and he couldn't make them until everything went black.

He came back puking water, gagging, retching, sick from swallowing the water as they revived him again, hit him with the defibrillator. "Hit him again."

"He's awake."

"I know. Hit him again."

He screamed as his chest exploded in pain. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think as the men rolled him over and drug him across the floor to plunge him back into the water.

No, his mind screamed, as he fought his body to not inhale the water, to not breath in and swallow the cold water. The pain in his chest, in his head, intensified.

"Ready to talk now." The hands jerked him out of the water.

"Let me die. Damn you kill me or I'll kill you all."

But the men gave him no mercy and he struggled not to breath.

Sweating buckets, he jerked awake fighting the covers. Screaming, gagging, and fighting the hard hands, he couldn't find now.

For an instant, he lay trapped in the past. He felt the men's strong hands, saw the dark, felt the pain, as they drowned him and revived him over and over again.

Reality disappeared and only his panic remained.

Stop screaming.

He covered his ears with his hands.

You have to stop screaming.

Get control.

NOW.

Shaking, heart pounding, chest aching from the memory, he gasped in the dark room. Nauseated, he jumped from the bed, barely making the toilet before everything in his stomach came rushing up, and he retched like in his dream.

Finally, the sickness over, he arose from his knees and rinsed his mouth. With hands that had a slight tremor, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. But he turned away from the mirror. He'd known this memory waited to torment him, so he'd avoided sleep, except for cat naps, since he'd let her drown.

Guilt ate him making his stomach clinch.

He cradled his head in his hands.

He'd let her drown. He'd let her suck the water in. She knew what breathing in the water felt like now.

He scrubbed his face with his hands, sick to his stomach again as relief flooded his mind that at least Felicity hadn't witnessed this nightmare, she hadn't heard him lose total control.

How could he explain his panic to her? As man who didn't panic, he couldn't accept that lately he couldn't control his emotions or his nightmares.

And Felicity would want him to talk about his dreams, would wanted him to get help. She worried about his dreams and wanted to help him work through them. But how could he tell her about what they had done to him? How could he tell her that those men had broken him? And how could he tell her he'd learned from his tormentors and used the same torture on others?

He couldn't share that darkness with her.

How could he tell her about the monster inside?

How could he tell her that he'd tortured other men with water?

Lately he'd entertained thoughts about asking her to marry him. But how could he even think about marrying her with such darkness inside him? Was her drowning and now her suffering his penance for all the terrible things he'd done?

No, he couldn't believe that.

But what if it was true?

He fisted his hands to stop them from shaking.

The ache to hit something became so strong, it almost overpowered him. The urge to rip the room apart, to beat the walls, and break the mirrors filled him.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he held on. "You promised not to beat your hands up again. You promised Felicity, and I will keep my promise."

But his words didn't stop the ache or push back his dark thoughts.

Terror, the panic of his thoughts, Felicity's illness, him letting her drown and the dream rushed through his mind.

It had to stop. He had to stop thinking or go insane.

All the horror he'd buried laid simmering under the surface now, haunting him, tormenting him.

Panting, he cradled his head in his hands, trying to find some semblance of control, as memories of some of his darkest days flooded his mind.

Turning, he walked back to the bedroom and retrieved her hair tie from his pants.

Returning to the bathroom, he sat Indian style on the cold, hard bathroom floor and shut his eyes.

He embraced the discomfort of the floor. Frankly, he reached for it. He needed the discomfort right now, and in truth, he craved it. Straightening his back, he pushed his panic back and thought about his breathing.

Concentrating, he breathed in through his nose and out through his nose. He thought only of breathing, and he didn't think about the things he'd done to survive or what others had done to him.

Blank, he thought, my mind is blank, a clean slate.

Don't think about Felicity being sick away.

Don't think about her dying and leaving me alone away.

Don't think about me letting her drown.

Concentrate on your breathing.

In through your nose and out through mouth.

You need to calm down or you'll go mad.

Tilting his head down, he lay his hands, palms up, on his knees. He rolled the hair tie between his fingers slowly, and he thought about the sound of his breathing, only the sound. Rolling the hair tie, he thought of his breathing and only his breathing.

Tatsu had taught him this. She'd taught him how to relax, how to clear his mind, and how to calm himself. She'd understood even all those years ago that he needed the calm that the darkness overloaded his brain sometimes.

Much later, stiff and cold and back in control, he felt calm enough to arise from the floor. The terror, the panic now gone, he checked the time and found he still had hours before he could return to the hospital.

He checked his phone and there were no calls.

She must be sleeping.

Dressing in shorts, he ran the beach and thought about his breathing, as he ran until he couldn't think, let alone breathe, then he pushed harder and ran harder.

Finally, dripping sweat, he returned to their rental.

Exhaustion setting in, he set his alarm for two hours, showered and fell into bed to sleep, before he returned to the hospital, hoping he wouldn't dream before the alarm sounded.

#####OQ####

Morning light streamed into the window when the nurse woke Felicity yet again. "You do realize no one lets a person sleep here?"

"Sorry, but it's time to check your vials." A nurse named Becky stuck a thermometer into her mouth.

Thankfully it beeped quickly.

"Why won't you people won't let me rest? You're always checking something, giving me something or waking me up."

Becky grinned. "It's my job and you're in Critical Care, so we monitor you closely. Speaking of which, your respiratory therapist should be here soon."

Felicity groaned. "Great! Why not add them to my list of people who torture me every few hours day and night, trying to make me feel better. And people come to hospitals to get better. What a joke. Who knew sucking in a little salt water could cause this much trouble?"

"Well, now you know. Your blood pressure's down and your fever's up a little this morning. Mae won't be pleased."

"That makes two of us."

Beck grinned. "Are you in pain?"

"My chest hurts but the worst part is I'm tired."

Becky nodded. "Your lungs are struggling to keep up, so it's normal to have exhaustion stemmed from a lack of oxygen. Keep your oxygen on. It will help."

Her nurse typed into her computer on wheels. "Now where's your handsome man this morning?" "I'll not sure, but could you hand me my phone?" She pointed to the window sill.

Coughing, she clutched her chest.

Damn, her chest hurt. She hadn't hide the huge bruise on her chest from Oliver. She didn't' want him to see where he'd done CPR, but the bruise hurt when she coughed, and her lungs, hurt too.

"Sure, though I'm betting he'll be back. You're very lucky to have someone who loves you like that." The nurse handed her the phone and went back to inputting info into her computer on wheels.

"Why would you say he loves me?"

Okay, she couldn't help fishing for information, and yes, the thought that other people could see he loved her thrilled her.

She smiled. "Well that's a new one. Why would they call him that?"

What an upgrade, she thought, from the Arrow to Superman, not that she'd share that name with him. The man had an ego the size of this state already.

"First your guy's totally ripped according to the Wayne."

"Wayne?"

"He's one of the EMT's who brought you in. And gossip says your man's got a lot of scars and everyone thinks the guy must be Special Forces or something?"

Now Becky fished for information, but she had years of practice keeping Oliver's secrets.

"Or something. Yeah, you're right. He's in great shape."

Felicity could see his wonderful body in her mind, and she smiled until she coughed again and spit gunk, yuck, gunk, into a tissue.

"Second, gossip says he pulled you out of a riptide. A RIPTIDE, and he did CPR on you for like forever. Longer than anyone can, with chest compressions."

"That's special.?"

"Yeah! Do you know how hard that is? How strong he must be? Do you know how fast you get tired doing chest compressions? "

"No."

"Well let me tell you. He did chest compressions and he fought the riptide too. WOW? That's beyond awesome."

"I didn't know."

But it didn't surprise her, for Oliver kept his body strong.

And God knew she loved watching him work out.

Who needed TV when Oliver worked out shirtless?

"And he's barely left the building since you came in. I'd love to have a man love me like that. But you have new meds. Can you turn over? Hip shot. Little prick."

"Ouch, frack, that fracking hurt. Now I know what a pin cushion feels like. Do people still use those? I don't think I've ever seen one in person."

"Around here, yes. Around here people still make quilts. They show them in the fair, give them as wedding gifts and at baby showers. Through sorry about the shot. Mae's orders. New antibiotic. Now try to stay sitting up. It'll help you breathe better, and the therapist will be in soon."

She coughed again, harder this time. She grabbed her phone and connected to the wireless.

The terrible internet finally connected.

Well, kind of.

Finally, the page loaded, and she read about her illness, read the clear signs that her lungs had inflamed and would soon fail her.

Her time had run out, as she sat and thought about what she needed to do.

Swiping her phone to open it, she tapped John's name and removed the oxygen mask as she put the phone to her face.

"Oliver," John growled the word.

"No, Felicity, so be nicer."

She coughed and spit in the tissue that lived in her hand.

How she hated her lungs filling up with the gunk thing.

"Felicity," his voice softened. "Good to hear your voice. How are you?"

"Better than you would think, considering I died a couple of days ago. But I'm sick, John, and Oliver's struggling. I need your help."

"Anything for you, Felicity."

"I need you to help Oliver."

He cut her off.

"Anything but that."

"Oliver needs your help now."

"Not happening."

"Well you can't blame a girl for trying, though it's nice to hear your voice. I miss you. You know I love you, John."

"Felicity, I have to ask. Did he let you drown? Tell me the truth."

"How can you even ask that? No, John, of course not. I got in the riptide and should have floated."

"Are you sure."

Yes, I panicked and fought the tide. Don't you dare blame him. It wasn't his fault. But he's blaming himself, and I'm worried about him."

"You're always worried about him. That's your job not mine. Alright, what can I do to help you, Felicity?"

"You can help me by not being mean to him. Oliver can't handle your anger right now. He's too busy beating himself up. He doesn't need your help."

"Felicity, I've every right to be angry with him. More than right. He broke my trust. He kidnapped my wife. He left my baby Sara alone. My baby girl, alone. How could he do that?"

"I don't know."

"How could he trust Merlyn more than you or me. Merlyn! And now you want me to help him through letting you drown? Do you not get what you are asking here?"

"He didn't let me drown, John."

"Are you sure?"

Yes, I drown myself. I had an accident. Hold on." She coughed and spit and used the oxygen mask for a second or two, then jerked it off. "I agree Oliver has made some bad choices lately. I'm angry at him too, but, John, he's is in a lot of pain right now. We both know his coping skills suck, and he's blaming himself for my accident. And he's suffering, punishing himself. I know he's punishing himself."

"Yes, Oliver's blaming himself for LETTING you drown, and I agreed with him. I told him that he is man with OCD about keeping you safe, and he let you drown. NO, he didn't keep you safe. And no, you wouldn't be sick right now if he would have done his damn job."

"Oh, John, how could you say that to him? How could you do that? You know what that would do to him. Wait. . ." She coughed and gasped in pain. After she recovered she ask, "Did you know he hurt himself, punched something, repeatedly, I'm sure. He admitted to me that he beat his hands up. I have never known him to hurt his hands on purpose. His hands could make the difference in living and dying, and we both know that. How could he hurt his hands?" She coughed again, repeatedly and then spit into a tissue. Talking took a lot out of her. She needed to put the oxygen back on. Eyeing the machine, she watched her oxygen count fall into the low nineties.

"Hey, hey, Felicity. Answer me! Are you okay?" The worry came through in his voice.

"No, John, I'm not. I'm tired. I'm sick. My lungs are failing. I'm not getting enough oxygen. I sucked something in with that sea water and my lungs are infected. Hear me. My lungs are failing. The Dr. told me a little while ago that if I don't improve soon, she's going to knock me out and put me on a ventilator to help me breathe."

"How can you be so calm about this?"

"Trust me I don't want to be, but if I fall apart, Oliver will totally lose it. John, you should have seen him yesterday when I had a breathing attack. You wouldn't have recognized him. He doesn't have it together anymore. He's standing on the edge of a breakdown."

"What Al Sah-Him has emotions now?"

"Don't call him that. And yes, he's lost it. I don't know who panicked more. Here I am not able to breathe, but I think Oliver panicked more. And it only took three nurses to throw him out of the room."

"Oliver panicked and let them throw him out?"

"He left like a lamb going to the slaughter. That's why, wait." Again with the coughing thing and the spitting gunk into a tissue.

"Damn you sound bad."

"I am bad. I'm drowning in my own fluid and yes, having excessive body fluids sucks."

"You're really sick aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am, and that's why if I go on the ventilator it will be hard on Oliver. I don't know what he might do. He'll need you, need someone for support. I won't be awake to help him cope. Please, John, don't keep shutting him out. You know you're hurting him."

Nothing but silence answered her on the other end. She coughed again and groaned.

"I love you. But I have to go. It's too hard to talk. I can't breathe. I need the oxygen. And remember, I don't regret anything. Both you and him have made my life good, better than I ever thought it could be. But could you please be his friend, be my friend. I could use your help here."

"I'm still mad at him, but I'll try for you, Felicity. I love you too. Get well, please."

"I'm trying and thanks, and please think about what I said." And she hung up on him and replaced the oxygen mask, gasping as she tried to breathe like they'd taught her, in through her nose and out her mouth, and she tried not to panic which was harder than she thought it would be.

I will survive this, she thought. I will not leave him alone. I have waited too long to have him. I will live. I WILL LIVE. But she was very tired. Unable to stand it anymore, she gave up and took a nap.

#####OQ#####

As always thanks for the read and any review.


	6. Chapter 6

#####OQ#####

Oliver had arrived back in her room that next morning to find her sleeping, or he thought she was sleeping until she opened her eyes and ask, "Oliver, do you know how to braid?"

"Braid? You mean like hair?"

She smiled slightly at him through the oxygen mask. "Of course, I mean hair. My hair is a mess, and I thought maybe you could help me brush it out and then put it up in a braid. A braid would help keep the tangles out." She then coughed repeatedly and spit in the tissue in her hand.

"Okay, I can try."

"My brush is in my bag. Could you get it? Then could you help me get in that chair."

He retrieved the brush and then lifted her carefully, trying not to get wound up in the tubes and leads that where now a vital part of her. Slowly, he sat her in the chair beside the bed. He hated this enemy called sickness. It was an enemy, he couldn't fight, couldn't win against. He could only wait to see if it took her from him.

"You're losing weight, Felicity." He pulled her hair out of her gown.

"Best diet plan ever. Eat hospital food or rather don't eat hospital food. I should sell that idea. I would be rich." Her cough came again, and she groaned. Placed a hand on her shoulder, he steadied her, while wishing he could give her his strength.

"No, diets for you. Your weight is fine. But you need to eat more."

"You say that as long as I'm thin."

"No, I will love you, Felicity, no matter what size you are."

"Brush, Oliver. I'm getting tired already. I never knew my head was this heavy."

Slowly, he began to brush her hair. It was such a personal thing to do for her. Her hair felt good under his hands, as he slowly brushed and worked the tangles away. This was something he had never done before for any woman, ever, and somehow it seemed more intimate than even having sex. He would never forget it.

Carefully, he brushed and as he found snarls and tangles, he worked through them. It was odd, but he found the act of brushing her hair relaxing, and the repeated motion comforted him, calmed him and grounded him somehow. She didn't talk as he brushed, and he didn't either. But she did sigh for him, and she leaned in to his touch, something he absorbed like a sponge.

When the oxygen tubing got in the way of his brushing, he removed it, and she held the mask against her face with her hand while he brushed. She was quiet enough, her silence began to bother him. He had to speak.

"Are you feeling worse this morning? You are too quiet. Not like you."

"I'm tired today. The cough's worse too. I can't lay down anymore."

"I'm sorry about that. You know I miss your chatter. The way you fill the quiet for me."

"I don't have the air to babble for you today. I wish I did."

"Felicity, I love your babble. It amuses me, and we both know I need to be amused."

"You're too hard on yourself. Brush, Oliver. I can't sit here much longer."

"I want you to know that you've brightened my life with not only with your words but with your presence. I can't imagine my life without you anymore. You're going to get better. Promise me?"

"I'm trying to stay, Oliver." She reached up and caught his hand that held the brush for a moment and squeezed.

Finally done and her hair tangle free, he carefully braided the silky blonde locks, and then he realized he needed a hair tie, and he frowned at the thought of giving up the one in his pocket. It had become his worry stone, and he bit his lip/ "Felicity, do you have a hair tie?"

"I think there's one in my purse." She reached out and clasp his hand then released him. "But don't you have one in your pocket?"

Trust her to know that. He gave a small smile. She was smart as usual. "Don't you have another one? That one's mine." Reaching, he fingered her hair tie in his pocket, then removed his hand.

"Really? I'm pretty sure it started out mine."

She teased him, making him almost smile.

"Well it was, but now it's mine."

"What you don't want to share?" She answered in a light voice, but then she coughed and he cringled.

He reached and took the oxygen mask from her hand. Carefully, he adjusted the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and then scooped her up like she was a child. Sitting down on the bed with her in his lap, he tried to hold her around all the tubes and lines she was attached too.

She settled against his chest, and he whispered. "No, I don't want to share ever. Not ever. Ray was bad enough. You don't know how hard that was on me. Believe me, I mean never, do I want to do that again. And your hair tie has been mine ever since I took it out of your hair on the porch that wonderful morning. You know you were too sexy in that bikini."

"Shame, I heard that they cut it off me."

He laughed then frowned deeply as she coughed and gagged, and he handed her several tissues so she could spit.

When she finished gasping and spitting, she laid back against his chest and he savored her. "And I want you to know that you've have been mine from the moment I first laid my eyes on you. And I want to make you mine from now on. Hey, hey, look at me, Felicity."

Her eyes found his, and he pressed his lips tightly together. "I want to ask . . . you. . . to . . ."

A small knock interrupted him and the door opened and in walked the respiratory therapist. "Back again, Felicity. Time for your treatment."

"What, Oliver?" She looked at him with a perplexed look. "What were you going to ask?"

"Nothing that can't wait." The moment totally lost now, along with his nerve.

He almost asked her to marry him and the idea suddenly terrified him. What had he been thinking? He was moving way too fast. Lifting her, he placed her on the bed, turned and handed her purse, leaving her to find find a hair tie, and he left the room.

#####OQ#####

He was reduced to holding her hand now. Never would he believe how much ground she'd lost in the last 24 hours.

The nurse had raised her bed to a 45 degree angle to make it easier for her to breathe. Her oxygen levels were always too low, and she slipped slowly away from him.

Jesus, he hated this.

Life was now an endless cycle of constant breathing treatments, suctioning her lungs, beeping machines, constant nurses giving her more meds, more shots, and more x-rays.

He'd never felt this helpless in his life, even with Thea. But then Thea had already been lost by the time he found her.

This was much different. She was very sick and he knew it.

Felicity had begun to drown in her own fluids right before his eyes, and it was excruciating to watch. His chatting, always talking, Felicity no longer had the air to talk anymore, and mainly, she napped. Now the tables had turned and as strange as it was, and now, he did most of the talking, and he told her things he never thought he would say to her.

"When you get better, we'll drive down the coast into Florida. We'll be tourists. Eat oranges, see Alligator Alley and ride the air boats. There are some awesome farmer's markets there. We can go where the pirates lived. Go see NASA. See the sights. We can camp on the ocean." He leaned over and whispered into her ear. "I ache to make love with you on the beach, under the stars. I want to do that with you. Think about that, Felicity, trust me, I have been thinking about it a lot, since before we left Starling City. You don't know how many times I've made love to you in my mind."

Her lips curled up for a moment and he went on.

"And the dresses you wore to make me crazy. I'm sure you wore them on purpose. I swear you knew how much I wanted you, and you wanted to torture me with your clothes. I got where I couldn't stand the sight of your skin. I couldn't look at your skin, because I was afraid I was going to take you right there in the lair, or in the elevator, or on the training mats. I was afraid I couldn't stop myself. You don't know the places I have thought about making love to you. I really am a bad boy, you know?"

She squeezed his hand, and she tried to smile again for him, but he could tell she was tiring again. In a few minutes she would slip away into sleep. He swallowed hard, knowing that every time she slipped away might be the last time she would truly be herself. And it terrified him.

Yes, if she died, he would somehow make a deal and put her in the pit, but he knew the pit changed people. He had already seen small changes in Thea, subtle changes but there were changes. Yes, he could save her but at what cost? What if she forgot she loved him?

No, he couldn't think like that. He had to keep trying to talk to her, trying to keep her with him.

"Then we can drive all the way to Key West, and I'll even help you drink our way across it. You know I hardly drink, but I'll make an exception just for you. You have never seen that many bars in one small town. Places like Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, Fat Tuesday's, and the Green Parrot Bar."

She sighed and shut her eyes.

"We'll sit and drink and people watch. The Keys have lots of shopping too. You would like that. Lots of jewelry. I'll buy you new earrings. You think I don't notice your earrings, but I do. Alright, I don't love shopping, but I would love watching you shop. I love watching you, and I always have. Did you know that I used to watch you in the lair? You would sit at your computers, and I would watch you when you weren't looking. I thought I was going to die from watching you during the last year. Watching and not touching. Wanting and not having. You drove me crazy. I'm glad I can touch you now. Touching is much better than not touching." His thumb rubbed her palm.

She gave another small pained smile behind the oxygen mask and again weakly squeezed his hand, and he knew she'd heard him.

"Oliver," Mae stuck her head in the room. "Could I speak with you?"

"Of course. Felicity, hold that thought. I'll be right back." He released her hand, but her hand lingered before she released him.

#####OQ#####

Felicity knew through the haze that was now her mind that they were going to put her to sleep, that her time awake was almost over. It was almost worth being sick, listening to Oliver admit he had watched and wanted her. Forever it seemed, she'd loved him from a far, and she loved that he had also been pining for her. And yes, in the last year, she had showed him more of her body, taunted him with her body, with her dresses. It fed her soul that he had wanted her, and yes, she had wanted him for a long time too. She wanted to sleep, but she forced herself to do what needed to be done. Her hand reached, searching for the phone that was beside her in the bed.

It took her three tries to pick up her phone and two tries to get her screen unlocked. Her eyes threatened to close. She was exhausted, but she had to do this. The text she'd written to John two days ago was in her drafts. It took her way longer than normal to find her draft's file. Finally, she opened the text she'd written back when her mind had still worked.

The text was a will of sorts and started with "I know you were getting even with Oliver for taking Lyla. You knew exactly what to say to hurt him and it worked. Okay, you wanted him in pain, and now he is. You are being mean and childish. You don't know how overwhelmed and out of control he is. He is walking a fine line here. But now it is time to make a decision. John, if you ever cared for Oliver, call him. He needs you NOW. Hoping to see you on the other side of the pit, if need be. Not LOL. I love you all. Kiss Sara for me." She carefully made her finger hit the send button and dropped the phone back to the bed.

#####OQ#####

As soon as he closed the door, Mae turned to him. "I checked her last set of x-rays and stats, and she's getting critical. Her heart's becoming oxygen deprived, causing it to swell, which is making her blood pressure drop. It's time to put her on the respirator, time to help her breathe, to give the meds time to work."

The expression he gave her held pain.

"I know you don't want that, but it time to make a choice, if we wait much longer she'll code, and I don't know if we'll get her heart restarted. I know this is your call but I know we need to sedate her now and keep her that way for a while. It will be easier on her body, easier on her."

"How long?"

"Until she either gets better or doesn't. I'm hoping she'll improve greatly, and this will only be temporary." The gray haired woman frowned. "I know this is hard, but Oliver, you need to tell her goodbye. Do it just in case. And do it now while she can still hear you." She patted him on his arm and turned and walked away.

Steeling himself, he stood in the cold hall as brain raced, as his brain screamed, "She's going to die." The sound of a cart being wheeled toward him with a machine on it forced him to gather his thoughts then he made himself walk back into her room.

Leaning down, he kissed her soft forehead. Then he took her hand and whispered, "I'm not going to say goodbye not this time, Felicity. You know I love you."

She weakly squeezed his hand and his voice cracked as he added. "They're going to put you to sleep for a while, to make it easier for you to breathe. I know Mae talked to you about it. Now I need you to stay with me, to fight. I love you. I'm not going to lose you. Do you understand me? I need you to fight to stay. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise, but no matter what don't you quit fighting. Promise me this time? You always asked me to promise. Now I want you to promise."

"Yes." And she squeezed his hand again. Releasing her, he kissed her forehead again, as a nurse wheeled the ventilator into the room. Turning, he left the room before they inserted the tube down her throat.

No, he couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't watch, he would lose it if he did, he walked out. Leaving the hospital, he walked to the car and grabbed his duffel bag that contained his running shoes and clothes. He would change, then go he run until he thought his lungs would burst, until he wouldn't have to think anymore. He would push himself until he was the one that couldn't breathe, until, he was the one was gasping for air. And then he would force himself to run some more.

Running, he could control.

His phone vibrated and Dig's face popped up. He didn't know if he could handle the man's anger right now and his finger hovered over the reject button. Internally, he fought with himself, knowing he knew should tell the man about Felicity going on life support, and if he didn't share the new Dig would use it as another reason to be angry with him. Biting his lip, he hit accept.

"Oliver, how is she?"

"Failing, dying. What can I say? She is going to die! Her heart is swelling. They are putting her on the ventilator right now. I mean right NOW. What am I going to do? I'm going to have to put her into that damn pit, just like Thea. I'm losing her. " His voice rose.

"Man, calm down! I mean it. Calm down."

"How can I? I'm in a recurring nightmare. Only now, I'm going to have to make a deal with Merlyn. I'll do what ever I need to do to save her, to bring her back. But what do I have to give him? What do I have to give him to put her in the pit? Unlike Ra's, he doesn't want me to be his heir. I don't have anything to bargain with. Maybe he will do it for Thea?" His voice cracked.

"Slow down. Talk to me, Oliver. Merlyn? What the hell has Merlyn got to do with the league? With the pit? I don't understand? What have you done now?"

"I gave Merlyn the damn league. He wanted to be Ra's and I didn't. Nyssa knows I've stepped down and is supposed to get our marriage annulled, so I have no claim now. I didn't want the league. I wanted Felicity. I wanted her. And now I'm not going to have either. I never wanted the league, but now I wished I would have kept it, then I could have done what I wanted with the pit. And none of this would have happened. If I would have taken the league, but no, I tried to be happy and gave the damn league to Merlyn."

"That was his game all along wasn't it? He was helping you so you would give him the league. I knew that devil had something up his sleeve, that he wanted something. Does Felicity know about Merlyn?"

His words were low and intense, "No, but I'll tell her, but not right now. Right now she's about to go into cardiac arrest. Didn't you hear me? They're putting her on life support as we speak. Sticking a damn tube down her throat. Grrr. . .this is all my fault. If I had gotten in the water with her, I would have been right there. How stupid on my part. She invited me. Why didn't I get into the water with her? I should have gotten in the damn water."

"Oliver, breathe. Listen to me. I want you to take a step back and calm down. Felicity needs you to calm down. And I want you to calm down."

"John, I have to go. I can't talk right now."

"No."

"Bye, John, I'll call you."

"Oliver! Don't you dare hang up on me. I have something to tell you. But you need to calm down."

"I'm trying but you don't understand. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't sleep for the nightmares. I can't think because I can't sleep. I can't keep my emotions in check. I don't even know how to have emotions, and I am out of control here. Felicity's really sick and having her sick is hard, really hard. I can't think or fight my way out of her sickness and it's all my fault."

"Stop right there and listen, Oliver. I need you to hear me. I was angry when I told you Felicity's accident was your fault. I never should have told you that. You hurt me by endangering Lyla and Sara and not trusting me. I wanted to hurt you back, wanted to get even with you, and it was easy to agreed with you when you told me about Felicity's accident. Hear me, understand, I WANTED TO HURT YOU."

Shock filled him. "You wanted to hurt me? How could you want to hurt me? You're my friend, my partner. I knew you were angry but to want to hurt me. You're like my brother."

"Yes, but I'm furious with you, Oliver. You crossed a line when you endangered my family. You broke my trust. You broke Felicity's heart more than once and left me to pick up the pieces. But never have I thought that you didn't keep her safe. I lied to you, Oliver. Pay attention, I LIED."

"I told you when I took Lyla I was trying to keep you safe. Both of you. All of you. You were protecting Nyssa, and I didn't want the team to go against the league. That's why I took Lyla. I was trying to keep everyone I loved from getting wiped out by the league. All you had to do was give me Nyssa, and no one would have gotten hurt."

"It doesn't fly, Oliver. You should have talked to me. You could have called me. You called me to tell me you took Lyla. If you would have called me and told the truth, trusted me, we would have worked something out. But now is not the time to work out our problems."

"You don't understand. The league was watching me, and you don't know what Ra's would have done to me if he knew I was lying to him. You can't imagine what he would have done to me."

"Enough, I don't want to talk about it anymore. You made the wrong choice not to trust me, and you can't undo it. Felicity is what's important now. And you need to wrap your head around that fact that Felicity had an _accident_ , and I used that to get in your head. You said it was your fault, and I agreed. I wanted to hurt you, and I did. I let and helped you beat yourself up. I wanted you to hurt. I'm the one that crossed a line this time."

"Dig, you made me feel terrible on purpose. How could you do that to me?"

"Oliver, I was getting even with you, but I hate hurting you because it hurts me too. Now I'm the one with the guilt. Oliver, you're like my brother, and I can't stand how out of control you are right now. I can hear it in your voice. You're losing it. I thought I would enjoy hurting you, but I didn't, and now it's hurting me to hurt you, so I have to fix this. Stop blaming yourself, Oliver. Get mad at me instead. I played with your head. I knew you were lost, and instead of helping you, I played with your head."

"How could you, John? You I don't know how to stop blaming myself? You left me alone when she'd just died. How could you? You're supposed to be my friend."

"Good, be angry at me, Oliver, be really angry at me, but for now, we'll figure this out together, like a team. I know you would never want Felicity hurt. Man, this is not your fault. Take it in. Not your fault."

Oliver closed his eyes, his word quiet. "John, I can't find my balance."

"You can, Oliver, and you will. Now tell me exactly what happened on that beach. I'm ready to listen now. Let's start over and pretend this just happened and you called and told me Felicity drowned but you saved her."

And he did. The words rushed out of him. Dig listened then replied, "It was an accident, Oliver. Accidents happen in real life. We don't know when they're coming and we can't stop them. Now what you have to do is accept the fact is was an accident and go on. And stop blaming yourself."

"John, all I can think is that I killed her, and I took her swimming and she died. How much bad of luck could I have? Will I never catch a break?"

"Oliver it's not like you held her under. Think about what you are saying. You didn't kill her, you saved her."

"But, if I'd warned her about the riptides. Told her what to do."

"Stop it. You have to stop blaming yourself. We all have 20/20 hindsight. People drown all the time in the riptides. You know this and trust me, Felicity looked it up."

"She did?"

"Of course, she did. What doesn't she look up? You have to get that you can't control everything, Oliver. You always think you know what's best for everyone but you don't. You have to get that no matter how much you want to, you just can't control everything."

"But that is all I know how to do." His voice rose becoming harsh.

"Well you need to rethink because the truth is that you saved Felicity. You brought her back from the dead. You refused to stop until she came back. How long did you do CPR on her?"

"I DON"T KNOW until she breathed for me." The very memory of her not breathing made his emotions rage again, threatening his control.

"Oliver, did you do CPR because you felt guilty you let her drown or because you wanted her to live?"

"Dig, that's a stupid question, of course, I wanted her to live. It had nothing to do with guilt."

"Then let the guilt go and embrace the fact that she's alive. Okay, she's sick right now, but people get sick, and then they get better. She doesn't have cancer. She has an infection in her lungs. The Dr. is helping her get better right now. You just have to calm down to get through this. Don't you have a breathing technique that you use?"

"Yes."

"Then use it to help you cope when you are overwhelmed."

"I have been." His voice cracked.

Dig asked, "Good. Now, do you want me to come? I'll leave right now."

"No, I won't ask you to do that. And right now, I mad as hell at you for playing me. I'd enjoy beating you up."

"You could try."

A small smile crossed his face. "No, there's nothing you can do. Stay with your family. I'll call you if something changes."

"Oliver, you need to focus on keeping it together, and remember together as a team, we keep her safe. I lied again when I told you didn't do your job. You did your job because you got to her in time, and you made her go to the hospital. What if you hadn't called 911?"

"She would have died when she went into cardiac arrest." His voice flat, he thought about what John was saying.

"Did she want to go to the hospital?"

"No, I made her."

"Do you see a pattern here?"

"Yes, I do." And he did. As usual, John knew what to say to make him think and feel better.

"So believe it. You saved her. And she's going to be all right. I know it. Our Felicity is a fighter and she'll beat this."

"Yeah, she is. They're helping her breathe for a little while. I can do this."

"That's right. You can do this. They're going to help her breathe until she gets better. Now stay safe and stay in control. Promise you'll call me if anything changes."

"I will."

"And Oliver, when are you going to get the nerve to ask her to marry you?"

A real smile broke his face for the first time in days. "Funny, you would ask, since I almost asked her yesterday."

"Well try again when she wakes up, and we're going to work through this like the team we are."

"Thank you, John. You've always been my rock. I needed to talk to you."

"Breathe, Oliver, and no Felicity's our rock, both of ours. And man, if you have to use the pit, I'll go with you. I'd like to have a little talk with one Malcolm Merlyn."

"Thanks, John that means a lot to me."

"Keep me posted, my friend."

A strange peace settled over him when he hung up the phone, and he found the strength to walk back into the hospital.

#####OQ#####

Walking through the ER doors, he pocketed his phone, as the ER waiting room erupted into motion. An early twenty's kid getting a police escort had unexpectedly taken the gun from Deputy Dog and now terrorized the room. People screamed, cried, ran, and of all people, Mae choose to burst through the door and into the room.

The stringy brown hair kid, with a pierced lip and nose, had entered full panic mode. And, he was higher than a kite and totally unpredictable. He flipped around, pointing the gun at Felicity's Dr.

Now the idiot had Oliver's attention.

The last thing he needed was Mae dying. Felicity could die if Mae died.

"No," Oliver yelled, "Here, right here. Look at me."

Already on the move, he dropped the duffel bag, grabbed the coffeepot from the stand and slung hot coffee in the young man's face, as the young man turned around. The young man screamed out in pain, and Oliver moved, slapping the gun from his hand with the coffee pot, deftly kicked his legs out from him gave him a quick punch that he should have put his lights out.

But the young man was high and his adrenaline was on overload. Therefore, instead of going down, the young man roared like a bear, rolled over, stood and attacked him. Oliver blocked his strong punch with the coffee pot, which shattered.

Dropping the coffee pot handle to the floor, he avoided the next punch. Then using the man's own momentum, he grabbed him and threw him crashing over a set of chairs.

More people scrambled.

He jumped over a chair behind him. Grabbing the young man, he slammed his head against the wall three times and slung him to the floor, where this time he lay prone. Oliver regretted the man didn't fight longer. He needed the release.

For an instant, the entire room went dead quiet. Barely even breathing hard, he stood and straightened his jacket. Crossing the room, he picked up the duffel bag and stood to find Mae eyeing him.

Mae nodded sharply. "I knew it. Special Forces. WOW. Thank you, Oliver. Jeff, how the hell could you let a high kid get your gun?"

"You're welcome." Oliver pushed the door open and walked back to her room.

#####OQ#####

It was amazing. Within hours, the ventilator had improved her oxygen levels, and she'd stabilized. If he would have known how much better her numbers would have been, he would have put her on the ventilator yesterday. But for now he was bone tired when he finally left her about 2 a.m. Arriving to the rental, he stripped and fell in the bed. Hugging her pillow, he passed smooth out.

But the water was drowning him and the strong hands were holding him under. They beat him until the water they drown him in turned red, and he was under the water, swallowing the water, drowning. Puking, sick from the water, he begged them to stop.

But they didn't.

Screaming the word "STOP," he came up fighting out of the dream, fighting the hands, the water, the dark, and again he ran to throw up. He was sick again repeatedly. He laid his head against the cold toilet bowl and thought about how he was going to handle this if she got well and came home?

#####OQ#####

Now three days later, he was dozing in and out as he sat beside her bed, fingering her hair tie, as he listened to the machine breathe for her. He listened to the beeps and alarms, and he listened to all the noise in the hall. He was simply totally exhausted, beyond exhausted. He knew he was going to have to really sleep, that his body would crash soon, and he was going to sleep no matter if he wanted to or not.

But he knew he couldn't sleep here, knew he couldn't throw up here.

His terrible dream had returned every time he shut his eyes long enough to enter REM sleep. Just because he couldn't control the dream didn't mean he didn't understand when he lost control. He knew there was no way he was going to have the dream here. No way at all. No, he couldn't sleep here. He knew he could hold out a little longer, then he would go back to the rental and wake up screaming there.

Mae came in and listened to her lungs and checked her vitals on the chart. "She's improving. Her numbers are up and her lungs sound a lot better. I think I have finally found the antibiotic the infection's responding to. Tomorrow we're going to start weaning her back off the vent, and then we'll wake her up. Oliver, she's going to live. Now will you please go home and get some sleep."

He jumped up and not just hugged her, he spun her around. Then he called John and everyone else to give them the good news. He was going to get another chance and yes, he was happy.

#####OQ#####

Thoughts? Reviews? Love to hear it. And thanks for the read.


	7. Chapter 7

I am very thankful to my Fanfiction readers, but I have moved this chapter of my story to my website, along with the rest of this story.

Please visit www. write4TVFans. com (Remove the spaces.)

When you get there you will see "Normal Life is Hard for Oliver and Felicity" then click on Chapter Seven and enjoy the ride and next chapters posted there.

I have just posted Chapter Thirteen today.


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